Food

I Heart Sandwiches

Universe.

I Heart Sammys. Truth.

I Heart Sammys. Truth.

Hello.

I have missed you for some time now, although I fear that you have not missed me.

You see, I have been in need of a sandwich since, um, FOREVER. It’s been a long time since anyone has made me one… maybe about 4-6 weeks. Dang.

I like sandwiches with mayo and hot sauce with some fresh green peppers, freshly ground black pepper and some black olives. It’s really not too much to ask for. Oh, and if there are tomatoes, please take all seeds and gross juices out before applying to said sandwich. If black olives are not available, I will gladly take the green ones instead, even though they are sometimes far too salty. But that’s what beer is for….

I myself am a queen of sandwich making. I love sandwiches and I am so good at making them. Too bad I am just lazy at the moment and want someone else to go and make me a damn sandwich.

I wish I had brie so I could caramelize some onions and make a grilled cheese sandwich. Those are my favorite. Mmmm…. Grilled cheese….. I seriously just went and made myself one.

So distracted.

My boyfriend (Captain Clam) and I are making a cookbook for poor people who also like food and eating. I think there will be a sandwich section. There must be! And also a soup section and a chicken section and a hamburgers made from tofu and turkey meat section.

Yet I digress… as always. What can I say? I fucking love food! Cooking and eating- an all inclusive love of food. And damn it to hell, I am good at it. Try one of my tacos. Another digression… still. Sorry. But not really.

Sandwiches. Focus.

I need one as badly as I need a job. And at this point, like any job, I would take any sandwich to sit its pretty open or closed face in front of me. Wow. That ‘s a lot of information. But I am serious about my sandwich craving at this exact moment in time. All sandwiches deserve to be destroyed and turned into energy inside of my body.

Sidebar: Even though I just ate a grilled cheese, I still want a sandwich…. it happens. Seriously. Pretty sure we’ve all been there.

One of the best sandwiches I ever consumed had those pickled red peppers you get from Fairway on/in it ( you know the fancy fresh olive section where you can help yourself to “free samples”). OHMIGOD, that sandwich still makes me salivate. Those pepper are seriously the shit and any sandwich worth eating should have those on/in it. Also, adding some slices of the garlic stuffed olives from the same section at Fairway will make you melt. Garlic anything is the shit and there is no such thing as “too much garlic.” Rule 1: Live by it.

I am best known for what I like to call “GOURMET GRILLED CHEESE SAMMYS”. That will definitely be a section in my cookbook. I basically use a roll or hero bread and a potato masher. The secret is to smoosh the hell out of the roll and to burn the bread a little bit (for flavor of course) and don’t skimp on the butter.

NEVER SKIMP ON THE BUTTER!

NEVER!

It’s one of those Paul Dean Diabetic mishaps. But Julia used butter too, and no one can say shit about her. Plus, butter is amazing, and paired with cheese (melted/hard/soft/whatever!)? LIFE IS GOOD! My bestie Elise taught me about cheese and butter sandwiches. At first I was like “what?” and then I was like ” Can you please make me another one?” DIGRESSION. Rats! ( I like to say “rats!” around kids because it’s cute and they learn from us grown ups. And it’s better than saying “FUCK!” although sometimes the f-bomb clearly gets a point across… to be used around children selectively, of course…).

And here I go digressing even further….

Hi. My name is Stephanie and I am a cheese-a-holic. A quick digression on my love of cheese…. I won’t even get into it. You get the point. I know you also love cheese. And if you don’t? Well, then, too bad for you! You are surely missing out.

Cheese is the shit.

Although, cheese sandwiches need meat or funsies- like peppers or carrots or hot sauce covered romaine lettuce. Green peppers are the best. The flavor and crunch makes the sandwich a mysterious adventure. What flavor is in store for my taste buds?

DELICIOUSNESS! Get it and put a patent on it.

I have, however, recently discovered yellow peppers, but have yet to try them on a sammy. I am also interested in experimenting with snow peas and hummus, although I have no idea how to pair them with my fine cheese palette. Please keep in mind – I am a cheese addict and not a cheese snob. THOSE people are the worst. I also have a tendancy to make things up, so please don’t EVER believe anything I say. Unless it’s about food and cat health. Damn! Digression! Again! How do I get to this place?

I will keep you posted on my findings on the yellow pepper sammy situation. In the meantime, go buy one and cut it up and eat the shit out of it. You won’t be mad.

I love you.

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2 thoughts on “I Heart Sandwiches

  1. Wow…I don’t care if you were blackout drunk when you wrote this it was the best dedication to sandwiches I’ve ever read…and dammit now I want you to make me a sandwich!!! One time you made me this bomb chicken sandwich with sour cream and cheese on it (duh) I don’t know how the heck you made that sandwich but I want another one RIGHT NOW! Also the cheese and butter sandwiches…mmmm can’t go wrong with that. And like you I’m a cheese addict, not a cheese snob (although I’m not too fond of American cheese, especially if its not melted!) But yeah, a life without cheese is a life not worth living! Vegans SUCK IT. xo

  2. I do believe that was a jerk chicken sandwich with sauteed peppers and onions and mozzarella cheese and sour cream on a hero. Sound familiar? Because those are the shit. DUH!

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