Adventure, Employment, Today was Awesome, Unemployment

Fully Functioning: Day 1

i-got-a-job

Today felt like the first day of school. I spent a “wild” weekend with my parents and sisters and their kids, getting tan, swimming at the beach, and drinking my face off at the Polish Town Fair in Riverhead (serious shout out to Long Island). Then I recovered, came back to reality, got a hair cut and had all the unwanted hair removed from my face (mustache included), went grocery shopping, did laundry, and prepared lunches for Captain Clam and myself. I even laid my clothes out for the day (undies and all).

Trying to sleep all night was like being a kid waiting to go to Great Adventure the next day…. you can’t fall asleep and have a really hard time waking up (certainly not at 6am (boo hoo whaa whaa)). Of course, I made the mistake of watching a delicious show called Sons of Anarchy right before bed, so my mind was racing with thoughts of Jax Teller and the adventure that awaited me today in the wonderful world of gainful employment. I was also writing this post in my mind (it was much better in my head at 3am. Sorry, friends).

So, on 3 hours of sleep, I kissed my gorgeous Captain goodbye at Atlantic Terminal and ventured to Union Square to start the next chapter in the saga of my life. This is turning out to be quite an interesting book. How wonderful it is to work in a factory again. Of course I work in the office, but to be a part of a factory and to have sagging, creaking wooden floors under my feet and sewing machines running and human machines doing…. it’s a great feeling. It’s also a great feeling not to dread going to work everyday because the people you work with are selfish, snobby, rude pricks. Of course it’s only my first day and I may feel different once I get the hang of everything and all of the personalities I have to interact with. But today was a great day, not like previous first days that I have had where it was gloomy and awful for the first week and beyond.

Having gone through a shit fuck of a job with a beyond horrible boss and mediocre co-workers (with a few exceptions, of course), and then battling unemployment and the depression that accompanies it, I am so happy to be where I am – and in a factory no less. Funny how a fully functioning upholstery/seating/drapery factory can withstand the economy on 18th Street in Manhattan, but a poorly run factory in LIC, Queens (lame) can’t handle the pressure (or is run by some maniacal illusionist who has no idea how to run a business or read spreadsheets or emails with financial information in them or just plain read emails in general) and is “forced”  to outsource it’s overly priced seating items to China. Burn.

Rant ranted.

And Funny… Captain Clam is now working in a factory, too (oh, as Design Director!(what?!)). We are gonna have the best nerd talk ever during the next few years. Yay! When we went shopping on Monday, Le Clam purchased new slacks, shirts, and shoes. Today he was such a handsome piece of ass. Of course he told me that dress shoes aren’t for him and he felt like he was wearing ski’s all day, but I did have a hard time letting him get off the train without making out for at least one million minutes.

Now we are about to feast on salad and make tomorrow’s lunches. Oh how I heart sandwiches! I can’t wait to fall asleep and wake up to an amazing new place to work and a new dynamic group of people to get to know. Thank you friends and readers for being so awesome. And you’re welcome for me being just as awesome as you.

I love you.

Standard
Adventure, Bucket List, Employment, Photo Blog, Today was Awesome, Unemployment

Today was Awesome

Just a quick little recap of this amazing day I am having.

I got up, starving. I rummaged through the fridge only to get stuck eating toast…. again. I did all my crappy chores, like check facebook one million times and wash my toast plate and clean the litter box (ew). I showered and got dressed and went out to take about 100 photos, then came home to edit them and start the blog that I have been trying to get going for ages… As I fill out the ABOUT page (which you can find HERE) I received a call from the people I have been sending snail mail thank you’s to and got a job offer that is actually relevant to all of my work experience. Then I cried (but just a little).

I like to think you started reading this post and were like “Oh here she goes again wha wha wha.” Well, Ha! Sometimes I am not sarcastic (but I usually am, so I forgive you).

So, now I am gainfully employed and an official Photo Blogger with all kinds of motivation pouring out of my gills. Plus I am seeing my amazing family this weekend and may even stick my toes into the ocean for the first time in about 4 years. AND it’s Polish Town Fair Weekend (google it if you have no idea what that is)! Plus, Captain Clam is on his way home from his gainful employment and I am going to make him make me dinner.

The only down side is now that I have the passion for my new project, I will have little time to pursue it. OF COURSE that would happen! Even when I win, I lose! I guess a blog ain’t gonna pay my bills, so functioning humans of society, I will be joining you on Tuesday.

Thank you, my dear readers, for your support and your ability to read. I hope that this is the light at the end of the tunnel and it only gets brighter until I’m dead. I love you all.

Oh, and check out my new Photo Blog Portraits of Brooklyn.

SONY DSC

Today I “shot” Sunglasses

Standard
Contest, poetry, Short Story

6 Word Stories Contest Extended

Good and Bad news, pals.

6 Word Stories: A Contest has been extended.

06-1

Gown removed carelessly. Head, less so.
– Joss Whedon
Automobile warranty expires. So does engine.
– Stan Lee
Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time
– Alan Moore
Design By Chipp Kidd

I know you haven’t heard from me lately, but I am in the process of winning myself back over from the dark side (and it’s working!). New posts soon, I do promise because I still love you, no matter what.

Now get cracking on those stories and graphics. I will extends for one week, and after that, no excuses (okay, maybe I’ll accept a few excuses, but they better be good or hilarious).

Standard
Adventure, Guest Blogger

Guest Blogger: Vijay Dhanaraj

Hi Friends. I am spreading all of the love I can find these days. I’d like to introduce you to a good old friend from from back in the day. Vijay and I have known each other for about 12 years (Oh my gosh, has it really been that long?!). He is best pals with my former boyfriend, who have known each other, literally, their entire lives. Vijay is one of the smartest people I have ever met, and can win any argument that he raises. He also has the funniest laugh I have ever heard. It is quite contagious!. I am hoping that this is the first of his guests appearances. We haven’t seen each other in some time now, and I am hoping this blog journey will be a new chapter in an already awesome friendship.

Also, just so you all know and don’t get any ideas, only my good friends call me Steph… unless you ask, then I will consider it.

So, without further anticipation, Vijay, you have the mic (I love you, friend).

922441_10200345873142074_527997232_o

Vijay’s free-fall into blogging.

GUEST BLOGGING?

Recently, I discovered that my dear old friend Steph had a blog.  The coolest thing about Steph having a blog was that as I read her words, I heard them in her voice.  Although she has a facebook page and I’d randomly catch flashes of events in her life, I haven’t actually heard her voice in a few years.  I know it sounds weird coming from an old man such as I, but it was really almost as cool as having Morgan Freeman narrate things as they happened in my life, which I swear sometimes happens.  Maybe it’s because I’m Indian.  I need an automated carpet.  Write that down.

Then she tossed me this weird idea of being a “guest blogger.”  I’m not really sure what that means.  Does that mean I get to post stuff in Steph’s voice?  Because that’d be damn cool.  I wish I could post stuff in Morgan’s voice, ‘cus no offense Steph, that’d be cooler.  Really though, I am truly flattered to be thought of in such context.  It brings me back to some long weird nights just south of the South Bronx (though some claim we were still technically far enough north to be in the Bronx). *

*Note from SJ: I have no idea what you are talking about.

As I sit here writing this, I guess it becomes clearer what “guest blogging” is.  Hell, what is blogging?  I guess if forced to define blogging, or drunk enough to try explaining it voluntarily, blogging really is talking in a funny voice.  It’s not like looking into the blogger’s life or reading a newspaper article.  It is like blogging gives you this strange voice where you can be the narrator of a story as it is being written.  You get to direct the attention and sway the main characters as they develop.  So should I become a guest blogger and contribute my own funny voice to Steph’s? Please read my post’s in Morgan Freeman’s voice.  It will make them better and make me cooler… even in real life.  I know some of you who claim to know me or pretend to like me may hear me in my own real voice, but humor me at least.  I look forward to sharing my own views and adding some commentary that may find itself on the cutting room floor.

Either way, let me leave you with a deep and meaningful quote:

“Hi.  I’m Morgan Freeman” ~ Morgan Freeman

(Did it work?  Did you hear his voice at all?)

Standard
poetry, Short Story

Portrait of P

Sorry friends, I have been exhausted! I am working up a few lovelies for all of you to read and will post later today or tomorrow. In the meantime, I am going to cheat with something I wrote a while back. Please don’t be mad. I love you.

Portrait of P

Sweet and charming.

Never dull.

A heart of kindness

and that unfulfillable longing for a cigarette.

Hidden demons age her soul and face,

and that bloody accent keeps her in my admiration.

She buys whatever you get for lunch,

pretending she’ll eat in eventually

but she never does.

Easily frazzled, but not easily swayed,

she stands modestly, with skinny legs cocked sideways,

and knee high “fancy” boots

pulled over the jeans she wore yesterday.

2010

Standard
Adventure, farts

I Like Farts

It’s true. We all love farts. And if you don’t like farts, then you are a fucking liar.

A good friend recently Facebook messaged me, asking if I had ever farted so smelly that it was like something had died inside of my bowels. Of course we have all been there. I answered back with, “Yes. It will be so bad that it actually is impressive.” Then about 10 minutes later messaged her to let her know how proud of myself I was for just doing what she had mentioned.

I am shameless (most of the time). I can talk about anything, and definitely don’t mind talking about poo or pee or other bodily functions. I’m okay with all of that to the point that my friends know they can talk about it (they even call me out on it when I don’t realize I am talking about it). Of course I keep my own bodily functions inside (pun), and always give a good bathroom freshening when I am done using (or abusing) it.

969804_989774432295_652247957_n

And my Best Friend sent me this today, Aug 5, 2013. Just goes to show this blog is straight up legit… and so are my friends.

Bathroom humor has been around for ages. I’d like to think that bodily function jokes were one of the original “things” to ever laugh about. I mean, every living creature does it. Hell, dogs get to do it in public. Why is it okay for a dog to pee in public, but humans can’t find relief in a dark alley in an emergency situation? Totally not fair.

999552_987915986635_1048315322_n

Another beauty sent to me this past week. Ahhh My friends know me so well!

Whenever I go to a concert I visit is the toilet immediately. I grab extra toilet paper to ensure a semi-hygenic visit at the end of the show. Whether or not I use the portable bathrooms or the cleaner environment of the woods or parking lot, I am wiping with a clean piece of tissue. If you are “Shit out of Luck”, you can always take a piece of paper, crumple the hell out of it to make it soft, and use that for wiping.

You might be wondering why I am talking about all this nasty stuff (that’s totally natural, by the way). Well, Captain Clam and I just purchased a ridiculous amount of sushi and I threw it all up. By “all of it,” I mean, ALL of it. A total waste on my part, but maybe it was bad? The Clam feels great, but he’s a clam and used to seafood. Clams will eat anything! So, we really have no idea.

Anyway, back to poop.

What do you do when you can’t poop? Captain Clam believes in coffee and cigarettes, but gives me prunes, which I love, but I have grown an immunity to them. It’s all rather tragic. My secret is to relax the muscles and jog in place a little bit. That somehow does the trick 99% of the time.The other 1% I just cry and bloat and eat a bunch of fruit.

I recently purchased a huge box of Epsom Salts, because I love to take baths and ran out of my fancy Israeli bath salts (not the hallucinogenic kind that turn you into a flesh eating zombie). I was reading the box for all of the amazing things you can use Epsom Salts for, and apparently you can make an elixir for constipation. How wonderful!

On a  side note, I recently cut the shit out of my finger whilst “fixing” then fan. I took an Epsom Salts bath a few days later, and within 24 hours the cut on my finger was significantly healed. I was balls-out completely amazed, so I took another bath with comparable results. This mineral bath is the shit! Yay!

Back to fun, gross stuff.

Did you know that asparagus is really good for your urinary tract? It actually makes your pee smell, but that means it’s working! Beets are good for your liver and will actually turn your pee red! In most cases, I’d be freaked, but it’s normal to experience multi colored urine while under the influence of specific vegetables. Fruits also help with certain male functions… All I’m gonna say is, “Gentlemen, eat pineapples.”

There are lots of gross things. Like, cleaning your feet and toes. I could sit here for hours and pick the cuticles from my toenails since I am too broke to get a pedicure (well, not with the Clam working full time recently, the first thing I am going to do is get my feet did!). There are things that we women do to our bodies that we can’t even talk about (well, I can!).

Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned your belly button?

And when was the last time you talked about your body with a good friend? You’d be surprised at how much fun it could be, or what you can discover about the human apparatus. Sometimes you can mention one little thing, and BOOM, you have discovered that you are actually sick and maybe on the road to some sort of disease (goodness gracious, I hope not!). I know talking about poop and other stuff might make it hard to be the self righteous and “Proper” people who belong to humanity, but just get over it. We all fart. We all shit.  We all pee and we certainly all get sick. My grandmother died of breast cancer because it used to be “taboo” to talk about such things. I mourn her everyday. What a loss to the world! And what a ridiculous life for my Grandma Sophie to live! You should NEVER be ashamed of yourself, especially in sickness.

And sometimes, we’ll shit all over ourselves. If you have never shit your pants, then you are not even human. We have all done it and surely remember it. Even in a thong. Yup, I went there.

There is no shame in being human.

Dear friends. I love you, and you know this. Take care of yourselves and mind your poo. Talk about it. Pay attention. Most people only notice their poo when it’s not moving. Well, get some Epson Salts and get your shit together (um, literally). And for goodness sake, clean your belly button and behind your ears. Seriously, when is the last time you even thought to do so? Do it for me and you and Captain Clam.

PS. Happy Birthday Linda.

Standard
Drink, Food, FUN!, Hosting, House Party, Party

Playing Host

And here is the complement to by last posting. Instead of being the stellar guest, you are the perfect host (or hostess, if you’re a pragmatic bitch stuck in the 20th century (how last century of you)). And by perfect, I mean somewhat above and beyond amazing.

images-19

I’ve gotta be honest here, most of my hosting skills have been learned from a lovely woman named Linda Jo. She is my former boyfriend’s mom, and I still send her letters to this day just to say hi or because it’s her birthday (tomorrow, actually). What a joy of a person to know. I want to take minute to gush over her sparkling personality, generosity and pure wisdom. What what an amazing person to have had in my life, and I am truly thankful to know her and to benefit from the effects of her presence. And my goodness could this woman throw a party!

Now, with all that said and all the gushing gushed…. Ladies and Gents, get your fucking aprons on. You want to know how to throw party? Here are the ingredients…

1. Space

Pick a space that fits one to one million people. No. I’m kidding. We’d all like to think our parties would have one million people at them but in all likelihood the best we might be able to do is 30 people… and that’s without a DJ. Lighting is crucial and depends on the type of party you are hosting. Dinner parties should involve candles and high lights so people can see their food and other guests. House Parties should be dimly lit with (maybe) a disco ball or some sort of colored lighting that is low lighting, but still makes everyone feel like they are all hot as shit and looking good to everyone else in the room. Sometimes you have to sacrifice class for a little bit of ridiculousness.

Lighting is crucial. So Be sure to get it right.

If you don’t have your own space or an apartment/home that can accomidate the amount of people you are having, then either cancel the party or find a place that is close to home or comfortable, like your friend’s house. You can still be host even if it’s not your home, so don’t ever fret!

2. Food/Booze

My general rule of thumb is to spend $100-125 per party. You can definitely ask people to bring food or drinks to satisfy the masses, but cheap vodka or a million cheap beers do the trick when you want to get a party started, especially if you are expecting 20-30 people. A small crowd for a dinner party or picnic can afford a nice bottle of whiskey, or a higher end product. You want to have fun, but definitely don’t want to go broke. And if any guests have read my previous blog post, they already know that they should bring something to share. It’s to be expected of them. They know. And if they don’t know, have them read On The Guest List.

Unless you are serving dinner, keep snacks simple. Fruit, chips and guacamole/dip.

And don’t be afraid of vomit. You are going to have to clean it up every once in a while. It will be sobering and vomit inducing. That’s the way of the world.

3. Music

People LOVE records. It’s important to put one person you trust in charge of the music. You need to trust their musical tastes as well as their ability to focus on keeping the records playing. Nothing kills a party quickly like a silent room (which is something you should keep in mind when you want everyone to leave).

Make sure you set ground rules if people are touching your records. They MUST go back into her sleeves as soon as they are done playig. At a certain point, it’s safe to just put an iPod mix on and not say anything. No one will even notice.

If you are hosting a dance party, you will need the basic necessities for some killer dancing:

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Anything Michael Jackson, but especially Man In the Mirror (everyone loves that song because it is the best MJ song that was ever been made (I love you, Michael Jackson Dance Parties))

Beyonce: All the Single Ladies

Jay -Z Black Album

Biggie

Bob Marley

And of course, Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby (Duh).

Do not EVER play the following music:

MJ: We are the World (This song seriously NEVER ENDS)

90’s Slow Jams, unless you are running a brothel.

4. Games

Everyone loves a good game. Group games can include Apples to Apples and a home made version of Charades. Rock Band is also an excellent item to have, and can often take the place of music, if the singer is halfway decent. A Karaoke Machine is also a good investment, but that might not bode too well with the drunks or the bitch neighbors.

One year, for my birthday, I held a raffle and gave away prizes to the crowd, which included a dance with me, a painting, and a few swings at a pinata. Grown ups love a good pinata party!

5. Fire Hose

In case of a fight, cool everyone off with a blast of high pressure water and then ask them to leave.

6. Patience

Plan your House party 2 hours before you actually want it to begin (but prepare for anything). If your party starts at 10, don’t expect it to start until midnight. No one comes on time, unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Most people are home pre-gaming and getting ready for ungodly amounts of time, or they are out at another event (keep in mind you are not the center of their universe until they actually show up).

7. Blankets

Be preapred for people who are too drunk to leave or have already crashed in a chair somewhere. Cover them up and nurture them like they are babies. They are uber vulnerable and need the love. They will not forget it (and hopefully will fold the blanket before they leave in the morning).

Being a host/Hostess involves a ton of grace and organization. Make sure everyone has a drink in their hand, including yourself! It’s hard work taking care of everyone, so be sure to take care of Numero Uno first, and don’t be afraid to be the center of it all. What’s the point in throwing a party if you aren’t gonna have any fun? That’s right, there is none! Enjoy!

Standard