On the Guest List

Ding a Ling a Ding Dong

Captain Clam and I have been opening our doors and having guests over more often than usual. I think it’s the inherent loneliness that comes with spending all of your time with the same person for so long, especially if that person is a clam.

When I lived in the South Bronx, I had guests over daily, either by invite or random drop-by. I loved the company. People would just show up on a Tuesday with a 12 pack and I couldn’t say no, could I? Of course not! Even if we just sat around and hung out, or ate tacos and made paintings, life was good alright, but life is certainly much better with good friends. I Love and Miss you, SoBro Friends (and Elise)!

I also love being company and have a few rules that I follow religiously. Now these rules are mostly common sense “duhs,” but these days sense isn’t all that common (I mean look at Kim Kardashian (’nuff said)).

Rule #1: Always Bring Something
Unless you are popping in for just a second to say hi or use the bathroom (see Rule#2), try not to show up empty handed. You can bring a bundle of flowers, or even wine (or whiskey/beer, if you’re coming over to my place). I even received a cat calendar from a guest once. Wow! No matter what your host or hostess says, bring something, even if it’s Monopoly (ew, but don’t bring Monopoly. That game is lame. Bring Apples to Apples or Rummi Cube instead!).

Rule #2: Have Good Bathroom Etiquette
If you use the bathroom at all or feel sick and maybe need to reverse peristalsis the contents of you stomach, do your best to keep the bathroom clean. I have had many episodes of people vomiting all over the place, like a puke tornado. Sometimes, they didn’t even bother going into the bathroom and just threw up in my hallway or down the stairs. How sobering! And DON’T pee or poo on the toilet seat (AT ALL COSTS). If you use the last of the TP, find the new TP and replace it. And please dispose of sanitary items and adult baby wipes properly. Please always put the lid and seat down on the toilet. Always flush (duh). Thank You.

Rule #3: Don’t Hog the Mic
Don’t insist on your own music being played. It’s fine to suggest a tune or two, but don’t spend 3 hours playing DJ. No one wants to listen to Counting Crows for an hour and a half…. trust me, I have been that person. You also want to shy away from being the center of attention. Your host/hostess should hold that title. Make sure to indulge them and throw a ton of love their way. In other words, make sure there is always drink in their hand and a smile on their face!

Rule #4: Dress Well
Dress like you are the hottest shit in the world. Shave your legs (or face and/or Junk, gentlemen). You really have no idea who will be there. Be it a former lover or someone you haven’t seen in forever. Or maybe even a new love interest, or your old high school nemesis. Crush that bitch’s soul!

Rule #5: Be Polite
We have all been to those parties where there is one person who you want to punch in the face. You do your best to avoid this person, but if you do get stuck chatting them up (SHIT), just be polite and keep it general. Then find some poor schmuck you don’t like (or a good friend who you want to torture with a good hearted joke), introduce the two and excuse yourself (suckers!).

You can also be polite by not staying too late. If you’re the last one there and your host is in their PJs and turning out the lights, you have worn out your welcome. Go home already (unless you are sleeping over)!

Rule #6: Be Thankful
Always thank your host a million times. You can do this by helping with dishes, thanking them verbally, sending a note, or, if you sleep over, leaving a note and folding your blankets (for the love of everything sacred, please fold your blankets). You might even be so inclined to make breakfast or walk their dog/feed their cats or even do the liter box (but that might be taking way too far (but I’d really appreciate it!)).

Rule #7: You Were Never There
At least that’s how it should feel when you leave. Don’t leave things messy. Actually, try to leave them better than before you arrived.

If you follow a certain politeness protocol, you will always be invited back. And being invited back can only mean more FUN, and fun is what being a guest is all about (unless you’re a guest of the state… that requires a whole different set of rules)!


2 thoughts on “On the Guest List

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