Playing Host

And here is the complement to by last posting. Instead of being the stellar guest, you are the perfect host (or hostess, if you’re a pragmatic bitch stuck in the 20th century (how last century of you)). And by perfect, I mean somewhat above and beyond amazing.


I’ve gotta be honest here, most of my hosting skills have been learned from a lovely woman named Linda Jo. She is my former boyfriend’s mom, and I still send her letters to this day just to say hi or because it’s her birthday (tomorrow, actually). What a joy of a person to know. I want to take minute to gush over her sparkling personality, generosity and pure wisdom. What what an amazing person to have had in my life, and I am truly thankful to know her and to benefit from the effects of her presence. And my goodness could this woman throw a party!

Now, with all that said and all the gushing gushed…. Ladies and Gents, get your fucking aprons on. You want to know how to throw party? Here are the ingredients…

1. Space

Pick a space that fits one to one million people. No. I’m kidding. We’d all like to think our parties would have one million people at them but in all likelihood the best we might be able to do is 30 people… and that’s without a DJ. Lighting is crucial and depends on the type of party you are hosting. Dinner parties should involve candles and high lights so people can see their food and other guests. House Parties should be dimly lit with (maybe) a disco ball or some sort of colored lighting that is low lighting, but still makes everyone feel like they are all hot as shit and looking good to everyone else in the room. Sometimes you have to sacrifice class for a little bit of ridiculousness.

Lighting is crucial. So Be sure to get it right.

If you don’t have your own space or an apartment/home that can accomidate the amount of people you are having, then either cancel the party or find a place that is close to home or comfortable, like your friend’s house. You can still be host even if it’s not your home, so don’t ever fret!

2. Food/Booze

My general rule of thumb is to spend $100-125 per party. You can definitely ask people to bring food or drinks to satisfy the masses, but cheap vodka or a million cheap beers do the trick when you want to get a party started, especially if you are expecting 20-30 people. A small crowd for a dinner party or picnic can afford a nice bottle of whiskey, or a higher end product. You want to have fun, but definitely don’t want to go broke. And if any guests have read my previous blog post, they already know that they should bring something to share. It’s to be expected of them. They know. And if they don’t know, have them read On The Guest List.

Unless you are serving dinner, keep snacks simple. Fruit, chips and guacamole/dip.

And don’t be afraid of vomit. You are going to have to clean it up every once in a while. It will be sobering and vomit inducing. That’s the way of the world.

3. Music

People LOVE records. It’s important to put one person you trust in charge of the music. You need to trust their musical tastes as well as their ability to focus on keeping the records playing. Nothing kills a party quickly like a silent room (which is something you should keep in mind when you want everyone to leave).

Make sure you set ground rules if people are touching your records. They MUST go back into her sleeves as soon as they are done playig. At a certain point, it’s safe to just put an iPod mix on and not say anything. No one will even notice.

If you are hosting a dance party, you will need the basic necessities for some killer dancing:

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Anything Michael Jackson, but especially Man In the Mirror (everyone loves that song because it is the best MJ song that was ever been made (I love you, Michael Jackson Dance Parties))

Beyonce: All the Single Ladies

Jay -Z Black Album


Bob Marley

And of course, Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby (Duh).

Do not EVER play the following music:

MJ: We are the World (This song seriously NEVER ENDS)

90’s Slow Jams, unless you are running a brothel.

4. Games

Everyone loves a good game. Group games can include Apples to Apples and a home made version of Charades. Rock Band is also an excellent item to have, and can often take the place of music, if the singer is halfway decent. A Karaoke Machine is also a good investment, but that might not bode too well with the drunks or the bitch neighbors.

One year, for my birthday, I held a raffle and gave away prizes to the crowd, which included a dance with me, a painting, and a few swings at a pinata. Grown ups love a good pinata party!

5. Fire Hose

In case of a fight, cool everyone off with a blast of high pressure water and then ask them to leave.

6. Patience

Plan your House party 2 hours before you actually want it to begin (but prepare for anything). If your party starts at 10, don’t expect it to start until midnight. No one comes on time, unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Most people are home pre-gaming and getting ready for ungodly amounts of time, or they are out at another event (keep in mind you are not the center of their universe until they actually show up).

7. Blankets

Be preapred for people who are too drunk to leave or have already crashed in a chair somewhere. Cover them up and nurture them like they are babies. They are uber vulnerable and need the love. They will not forget it (and hopefully will fold the blanket before they leave in the morning).

Being a host/Hostess involves a ton of grace and organization. Make sure everyone has a drink in their hand, including yourself! It’s hard work taking care of everyone, so be sure to take care of Numero Uno first, and don’t be afraid to be the center of it all. What’s the point in throwing a party if you aren’t gonna have any fun? That’s right, there is none! Enjoy!


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