Captain Clam and I have cancelled Christmas. It’s just too much this year. After being bombarded by it since well before Halloween, I cannot hold on to any Christmas cheer. We tried to get into the holiday spirit. We even built a Christmas tree out of lights and decorated it with all the cards we received this year as well as some of my ornaments from childhood. The tree is on our kitchen wall. It looks stupid, but some how makes us happy, especially at night with all the lights off.
Le Clam and I have been sick. I caught a cold from my nephew over the Thanksgiving break and it is just NOW starting to recede… I got half of my office sick and was called Typhoid Stephanie, which was one of my bosses funnier jokes to date (he’s really not that funny). I missed three days of work and suffered through all the rest either cold and gross or hot and sweaty. Then I got not just one cold sore, but two! I only get those when I am ridiculously sick, and even then, they are small and not noticeable. These are small, but super irritating, and I can’t kiss my Clam for a whole week. Fuck. Plus the medicine cost $26. I don’t have $26 to throw around on cold sores…. plus all the expenses for the Puffs Plus, Cough Syrup, Vitamin C and Vitamin C powdered drinks, Epson Salts, Carmex Lip Balm, and minus 3 days of work. I still don’t get sick days, so this is mounting to be a really expensive cold… the most expensive in history.
Christmas was always my favorite holiday, Christmas Eve being the most magical night of all time… now I look forward to the 4th of July. Somewhere along the way, I became old and bitter, and started to hate the cold and snow and magic of December. February is even worse. It’s is THE worst, and perhaps that’s why it’s the shortest month. It’s the coldest and most depressing place in the world. I’ll finish this rant when February slugs it’s ugly little face around in a month and a half. I am already angry.
I canceled Christmas once before. It was 2005. My former boyfriend and I were broken up but still occupying the same space. He went away to see his family (because god fucking forbid we ever went to see mine) and I stayed up half the night drinking wine, dismantling a closet, and painting my bedroom orange. I almost regret canceling that Christmas, but reveled in the alone time and reflection (and complete productivity) of the night.
Clams cancel Christmas, too. My Captain canceled a few holidays after being stuck in China/Italy on business for the worst employer in the history of human beings. The Clam is resourceful though, and entertained himself with wine and bad movies… much like this evening festivities.
So. This is Christmas. We have eaten a small dinner for just the two of us. We cooked chicken that the meat market guy cut up into way too many pieces… I added BBQ Sauce… basically the most un-Christmas-like dinner you could ever imagine. We’ll have leftovers tomorrow and they are going to amazing. I have insisted on watching Rudolph, since it has always been my favorite Christmas movie (my Clam is taking a Clam rest, since he has never seen this amazing movie and has no interest in ever seeing it… ever). I am hoping that it picks me up and compels me to change my mind and warm my heart with some good tidings. I am doubtful that it’s gonna happen.
I thought Rudolph could save Christmas… not this time, with that big wonderful nose. We are living in the land of misfit toys today. This will not be an ordinary Christmas. This will not be Christmas at all. No gifts, no friends, no family, no cheeky Christmas carols…. just each other, a chicken, the tail end of a bad cold, and a longing for the Christmas magic of our childhoods.
Merry Christmas, everyone, if you decide to celebrate it this year. And to my amazing family who knows how complicated and overly-dramatic I am… I’ll see you very soon, and the cards loaded with Lotto tickets are in the mail… tomorrow. Heart.