Dear Crackhead, New York City, Overload, POOP, Sarcasm, Thank You

A Thank You Note to the Crackhead in my Stairwell


Dear Crackhead in my Stairwell,

Thank you for the “good morning” the other day. I really needed that. I also really appreciated that you offered to clean up the mess you made with the toilet paper and tampons strewn all over the place. Thank you for mopping with hairspray, making the floors so sticky. And thanks for the the nasty broken earrings all over the place. How many piercings do you have?

Thank you for the puddle on the floor of the landing. I always thought that was my neighbor’s dog. I also love getting letters from my neighbors on the necessity of keeping the door completely closed so we don’t get “undesirable” people in the building. I’m glad you had a warm place to smoke your rocks and dispense your aerosol hairspray disinfectant.

Thank you for throwing the bags of garbage all over the place outside of my building. Us tenants love to wake up on Mondays and Fridays to see that you have taken up collecting cans again. It makes us feel good that toiling over sorting our garbage is going towards a good cause. The clear bags that we sort our recyclables in are obviously too much for you to handle when you are high on a Thursday afternoon. I am sorry for the inconvenience. I shall make it easier for you next time by just leaving piles of garbage loose in the streets. I will lure you there with a trail of quarters, cigarettes, and wet shit smears that have been rained on and tread through the streets by pedestrians. Nobody really likes their shoes anyway.

Thank you for breaking the glass door at our entrance when it is 18 degrees outside. I really appreciate coming home to glass and soggy shit at my front door. I don’t mind too much when the halls smell like weed, but when the halls are filled with smoke and the smell of burning plastic, I begin to worry. Please, be safe.

Yours Truly,

Apartment 4F