Adventure, Community Garden, Dogs, Drink, FUN!, Garden, joy, Life, Overload, Save The World, Spring, Things to Do, Today was Awesome

Project: Community Garden 6.7.14

What a fun fucking day! I had visited the Union Square Farmer’s Market again yesterday and picked up the items below from Patchogue’s own Fantastic Garden. I was a little mad, so I felt that I deserved flowers out the wazoo. I may have gone overboard… totally worth it.


Today’s lovelies include Early Sunrise Tickseed, John Proffit Ice Plant Delosperma, Red Valerian Jupiter’s Cock (just kidding, Jupiter’s Beard) Centranthus, Early Sunrise Coreopsis, Zagreb Threadleaf Coreopsis, and shrubs that I don’t know the name of.

We woke up late today, probably a little hung over from the mystery shot of whiskey from a good friend down at the pub last night. We motivated, and spent nearly 3.5 hours in the garden today. Captain Clam was quite the machine, and I am so happy to have his motivation (and other things) in my life. Our “grand garden” is becoming a reality, and he has just been the best these past few weeks. Considering that my back is “out”, The Captain has had the greatest enthusiasm and has been supportive with the garden and other home stuffs. He hasn’t  yet had to wipe my ass, but I’m sure he would if I needed it.

ANYWAY, today was Fucking awesome. I can’t even begin to explain how many people we met. Most people had the same questions, which include:

Are you doing this for yourself?

Are you funding this yourself?

What are you doing?

Why are you doing this?

Is this for the city?

Do you have a cigarette?

Of course most people were full of compliments and very happy to have the neighborhood being cleaned up and respected. Our answers to the questions were so easy.

No. We are not doing this for ourselves. As much as this benefits us as two people who seek relief from our own vices, we really want to make a nice, safe place for a community of dog walkers, grandmas, babies, toddlers, grown ass men, hopefuls, dreamers, and anyone else who needs a place to go and get lost and find themselves in nature… one little flowering plant at a time.

Yes. We are funding this ourselves. We have spent just under $100 for what we have already done. We look for things in the trash and gladly accept donations from our neighbors, which have included 0ld baby crib pieces and water from the hose. The garden is community based, and will be suported by the community via labor, donation, and whatever can be salvaged from what others are discarding. Maybe that’s gross to you, but please know that we wear gloves and aren’t particularly picky.

We are making a garden. We are playing in the dirt. Today there was some day-drinking from paper bags going on. We are trying to make a place for people to feel welcome and think “Oh hey, that’s really nice!” We are doing a community service. It isn’t even court appointed. It’s a little selfish, but at the same time, it’s for everyone. We WANT you to come and visit the garden… spend time there, share your stories, come and help…. be a part of something important.

We are doing this because: WHY THE FUCK NOT? How many people do you know who live in a huge city who have a yard or garden? Nature is so much more important than most people realize. To be able to transform a desolate, littered space is such a blessing for me and Captain Clam. We revel in the dirty work  and hope to inspire other to follow suit.

No. This is not for the city. You’d have to be a real asshole to reprimand anyone for planting flowers and making a space beautiful. If you do, then you are a DICK… and probably don’t have a grandma. I feel sorry for you.

Yes. We can share a cigarette. Always.

So. Today’s journey started with a hangover and the passion of a Clam. I might sound a little wispy and in love, but that’s only because I am. Today’s gardening started with a few beers and a gross amount of hope. We headed out and saw some people sitting under the overpass getting their car repaired. I thought that they were BBqQ-ing, but I was sorely incorrect.

We said hello and started digging, pretending they weren’t there. At some point, we needed beer, and I ran to the store, making sure I asked everyone in the vicinity if they were in need of anything. I ended up buying a bunch of waters for the mechanics, and some beers for the gardeners. After I returned, brown bag and all, I made sure to give the gal waiting with her boo a giant beer. My only words were: “Just take it.” And she obliged. I think her boyfriend was happier than she was. She may have also needed a massage.

Long story short (as if that is ever a real thing), we kicked ass in the garden. We met so many people, a lot of them neighbors, who were very interested in helping out and had advice on different programs we could get involved in to receive free supplies and plants, etc. We met a neighbor who lives below us and we are getting ready to head down there right now to share miojitos and horror stories.

Today was fantastic. We had received an old crib from our neighbor, which The Captain made into stairs:


That’s a baby crib.


That’s a baby crib.


That’s a baby crib.

There was a ton of progress today. We planted the flowers and some shrubs, and realized that the “soil” was just sand and rock clean fill. We built a moat/irrigation system for watering, and are fairly confident that it will be effective.


A River Runs Through It


A River Runs Through It


A River Runs Through It

There was a particular amount of testing done on the new watering system, with at least 3 runs to the local car shop to gather water in a 5 gallon Great Bear Jug.  We are confident that the plants and flowers will thrive with the new configuration. We also hope that they don’t drown to death.

I have a lot to say today, and don’t have enough puts-pa to get it all out. We were in the garden for 3x longer than usuall. We met 1 million people. We are sore and sweaty and sunburnt. And we are ridiculously happy. At this point, all I can do is show you this:








A Sexy Clam!


An exhausted Clam… still sexy.


We are about 10 bags of garbage, 2 palettes, 1 baby crib and $80 in plants deep.


Just for fun, this is where we started almost 4 weeks ago. It might not look like much to you, but it’s pretty awesome. And yes, I wish we still had Max here.


Lots of progress going on here today. We look forward to showing you more. Please stay tuned for more #Garden134 Updates, and keep it real. That’s important. Time to go tend to this sunburn. Heyo!

Also, PS… what important things have you been doing lately to make your community a better place to live, and thrive and just be?


Drink, Food, FUN!, Hosting, House Party, Party

Playing Host

And here is the complement to by last posting. Instead of being the stellar guest, you are the perfect host (or hostess, if you’re a pragmatic bitch stuck in the 20th century (how last century of you)). And by perfect, I mean somewhat above and beyond amazing.


I’ve gotta be honest here, most of my hosting skills have been learned from a lovely woman named Linda Jo. She is my former boyfriend’s mom, and I still send her letters to this day just to say hi or because it’s her birthday (tomorrow, actually). What a joy of a person to know. I want to take minute to gush over her sparkling personality, generosity and pure wisdom. What what an amazing person to have had in my life, and I am truly thankful to know her and to benefit from the effects of her presence. And my goodness could this woman throw a party!

Now, with all that said and all the gushing gushed…. Ladies and Gents, get your fucking aprons on. You want to know how to throw party? Here are the ingredients…

1. Space

Pick a space that fits one to one million people. No. I’m kidding. We’d all like to think our parties would have one million people at them but in all likelihood the best we might be able to do is 30 people… and that’s without a DJ. Lighting is crucial and depends on the type of party you are hosting. Dinner parties should involve candles and high lights so people can see their food and other guests. House Parties should be dimly lit with (maybe) a disco ball or some sort of colored lighting that is low lighting, but still makes everyone feel like they are all hot as shit and looking good to everyone else in the room. Sometimes you have to sacrifice class for a little bit of ridiculousness.

Lighting is crucial. So Be sure to get it right.

If you don’t have your own space or an apartment/home that can accomidate the amount of people you are having, then either cancel the party or find a place that is close to home or comfortable, like your friend’s house. You can still be host even if it’s not your home, so don’t ever fret!

2. Food/Booze

My general rule of thumb is to spend $100-125 per party. You can definitely ask people to bring food or drinks to satisfy the masses, but cheap vodka or a million cheap beers do the trick when you want to get a party started, especially if you are expecting 20-30 people. A small crowd for a dinner party or picnic can afford a nice bottle of whiskey, or a higher end product. You want to have fun, but definitely don’t want to go broke. And if any guests have read my previous blog post, they already know that they should bring something to share. It’s to be expected of them. They know. And if they don’t know, have them read On The Guest List.

Unless you are serving dinner, keep snacks simple. Fruit, chips and guacamole/dip.

And don’t be afraid of vomit. You are going to have to clean it up every once in a while. It will be sobering and vomit inducing. That’s the way of the world.

3. Music

People LOVE records. It’s important to put one person you trust in charge of the music. You need to trust their musical tastes as well as their ability to focus on keeping the records playing. Nothing kills a party quickly like a silent room (which is something you should keep in mind when you want everyone to leave).

Make sure you set ground rules if people are touching your records. They MUST go back into her sleeves as soon as they are done playig. At a certain point, it’s safe to just put an iPod mix on and not say anything. No one will even notice.

If you are hosting a dance party, you will need the basic necessities for some killer dancing:

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Anything Michael Jackson, but especially Man In the Mirror (everyone loves that song because it is the best MJ song that was ever been made (I love you, Michael Jackson Dance Parties))

Beyonce: All the Single Ladies

Jay -Z Black Album


Bob Marley

And of course, Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby (Duh).

Do not EVER play the following music:

MJ: We are the World (This song seriously NEVER ENDS)

90’s Slow Jams, unless you are running a brothel.

4. Games

Everyone loves a good game. Group games can include Apples to Apples and a home made version of Charades. Rock Band is also an excellent item to have, and can often take the place of music, if the singer is halfway decent. A Karaoke Machine is also a good investment, but that might not bode too well with the drunks or the bitch neighbors.

One year, for my birthday, I held a raffle and gave away prizes to the crowd, which included a dance with me, a painting, and a few swings at a pinata. Grown ups love a good pinata party!

5. Fire Hose

In case of a fight, cool everyone off with a blast of high pressure water and then ask them to leave.

6. Patience

Plan your House party 2 hours before you actually want it to begin (but prepare for anything). If your party starts at 10, don’t expect it to start until midnight. No one comes on time, unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Most people are home pre-gaming and getting ready for ungodly amounts of time, or they are out at another event (keep in mind you are not the center of their universe until they actually show up).

7. Blankets

Be preapred for people who are too drunk to leave or have already crashed in a chair somewhere. Cover them up and nurture them like they are babies. They are uber vulnerable and need the love. They will not forget it (and hopefully will fold the blanket before they leave in the morning).

Being a host/Hostess involves a ton of grace and organization. Make sure everyone has a drink in their hand, including yourself! It’s hard work taking care of everyone, so be sure to take care of Numero Uno first, and don’t be afraid to be the center of it all. What’s the point in throwing a party if you aren’t gonna have any fun? That’s right, there is none! Enjoy!

Contraceptive, Drink, Food, Weight Gain, Weight Loss

I Miss My Body

When I was 26, I was 105 – 110 pounds. I thought “Hey, I look damn good. So good in fact that If I gained a few pounds, I’ll look even better because I am SO skinny.”  I would see larger people and be grossed out thinking, “I could NEVER let myself get to be so big.” Well, here I am about 40 – 50 pounds heavier, thinking about my mid-twenties and pining for the days of physical activity, eating anything I wanted to,  and being completely comfortable in my skin and bones.

The story beings when I was 23. I moved to NYC to go back to school at FIT (three of the best years of my life so far). At the time, I was so poor that all I ate was pickles, popcorn, and dry Cheerios. I was always thin and athletic, but not in a disgusting way. I lost 15 pounds over the course of 3 years and was loving it! I loved that I could wear anything I wanted and be whistled at in the streets and be asked to “model” by Photography Club Pals. My jawline was fierce and my high cheekbones stuck out like a chiseled statue. I did, however, hate that my rib cage that would show on my chest. That was gross. Oh, and I was also starving ALL THE TIME. As you know pickles and Cheerios and popcorn aren’t all that filling. Someone asked me once why I didn’t eat a cheeseburger. I replied ” Well, shit. I would if you’d buy it for me.” Of course they didn’t oblige (jerk!).



The last semester of school was the hardest. I was having all kinds of stress from work and school and then discovered I had an inguinal hernia. That’s the kind of thing boys usually get. It’s discovered when the doctor grabs their balls and makes them cough. I found mine in the shower… a small lump where my body meets my leg. I seriously shit a brick.

After surgery, I was, naturally, a hot mess. Then came finals and then the total freedom of graduation followed by the empty sadness of having to get a real job and wear dresses and fancy shoes. I found work at a production company doing this and that. After work we’d all go out for a beer and that’s when it happened… I started drinking beer.  I always hated beer, but now I love it. I need it with pizza, or on a hot day, or on a cold day….  I just love it (except Guinness. ew) and it’s cheap!


Beer, will you marry me?

Once I started receiving health insurance, I went to all the doctors for all the check-ups and decided to get back on birth control. I opted for the Mirena IUD, since my plan would only cover contraceptive “devices” and not oral contraceptives, making the pill about $75 a month after insurance (Gotta love the American Health Care System).


If it were only this easy!

Since the application of my contraceptive device, I have gained about one million pounds. To top off the Beer and Birth Control, I love pizza, bagels, tacos, pasta, and Netflix. I am eating a hunk of cheese as I type. I also worked a desk job for 3 years and hardly ever moved all day. So, there we have it. I am becoming a true American: lazy, fat, and unhappy.


Anyway, once the pounds started to find their way onto my bones I was like, “Oh hey! I have boobs again!” And now I am like “Wow, I am using my belly as an arm rest!” Something has got to give, friends! I have recently switched to Light Beer (so gross) in the hopes that a difference might be made. I am also switching to imbibing only on the weekends and taking long walks in the park as well as bike rides (and teaching myself the fine art of arm circles and hoola hooping). I have switched to salads, too, but then run the risk of devouring half a bottle of dressing! YIKES (ok, that was an exaggeration, although salad dressing is delicious)! I may even join the gym, but the thought of a stranger taking my weight is just horrifying… and then having to work out with other strangers who obviously work out all of the time? Gross!


I don’t even wanna know!

All in all, the biggest problem I am having is not being comfortable in my skin. I am so uncomfortable! I feel sweaty and smelly all the time, I even have knee sweat! I have a gigantic ass (which I’m actually okay with). My boobs are great as long as they hang out past my belly, but I’m now growing boob rolls. BOOB ROLLS!

I didn’t even mind the first few pounds that I gained because I was starting to look like a real person and not a skeleton in a skin costume. Captain Clam reassures me a thousand times a day that I am not fat, but I have “gained a few pounds.” I’d say I’m chubby, and these days I am so worried that my arms are fat. Imagine… of all the things. ARM FAT! Oh arm fat, I love you! NOT!


Armpit Vagina.

I don’t think it’s bad to be big. In fact, I have a lot of friends who pull off a full figure very well and the absolutely adore themselves (as they should). It’s really about being comfortable and relaxed in your body. I know that’s ridiculously cliché, but after being a stick-thin starving artist and now being labeled as a “bold figure” by the gal at the Levi’s store, I am realizing that the skin on my body is not mine. There is a much happier person locked away in here somewhere, like I’m a sculpture that needs more chiseling (Wow, that was mad cheesy (I love cheese)). I seriously go out and am always thinking about how huge I feel and wondering if any notices just how fat my arms are. Some days I refuse to leave my house. It’s not abut the weight or the size, it’s about the flip and the flop; all that flab jumping about. I can feel it and it just feels wrong.

Thanks Goodness Gracious that I clean up pretty well when I slap on some make-up and hair-do, a dress, and what I like to call my “bike shorts.” I don’t feel that bad about myself when I’m in “costume.” Now if I could only get my thighs to have a fight and stop hanging out so much. I am learning the big girl tricks, like never leave home without baby powder… and just give up on wearing a belt entirely! I have also shunned bathing suits (that may have something to do with bad tattoos as well). All in all, I am ready to get my shit together… just in time for the end of bathing suit season.

I’ll keep you posted on my progress, because I know that you care.

Drink, Social Media

I was Drunk when I Wrote This

*Disclaimer: I am not currently drunk while writing this post. I am sitting on the floor drinking Keystone Light Beer (Always Smooth, apparently), which is merely beer flavored water. I may eventually peel myself up from the floor and have another, but this is a well thought out, sober induced, half researched blog post that I hope will be my best yet. So, please enjoy responsibly and take heed, fellow drinkers!



Drinking and socializing have gone hand and hand since, well, forever… which means that drinking, socializing, and very poor decisions have also gone hand in hand in hand for the same period of time. What a messy three-way!

Overindulgence is sometimes unavoidable, like if it’s a baby’s first birthday party or your friends wedding in Vineland (Bumble-Fuck), New Jersey. You can’t always be sure WHAT is going to happen, especially if you and your friends are absolutely out of your minds to begin with.

There are many different types of “drunk” that exist. Please read below for my full synopsis, as I trust you will. Please note that I left out that person who always lets you know that they are drunk (Oh My God, I am SOOOOOO drunk right now!). It’s annoying. We all do it from time to time, so just beware.

Sad Drunk – Now, sad drunks aren’t always sad. They can be people who just have adverse reactions to red wine and think that John Denver’s “Back Home Again” is just so damn moving. It really is ( ), but I’m not crying about it (not yet, anyway!)! Get a grip! Stop listening to that sappy country folk music for the remainder of your wine binge, and listen to something you can dance to. Dancing is way more fun than crying and releases the same chemicals. DUH!

Then there is the sad drunk who is completely inconsolable. Their loved one left them or perhaps a family member passed away. They need to be out of their apartments so their sorrows don’t suffocate them, but they are totally killing the buzz. So… you drink a gallon of wine with them and join in the sympathy party (Gosh, you are such a good friend). Lesson learned: Sad people should not drink wine, unless everyone is ready to be supportive and you are in a living room with a good girl movie and pounds of food.

Angry Drunk – This isn’t always that tough guy trying to prove he’s got muscles and mega testosterone. This is sometimes that sassy bitch who just needs to fight a lawn chair at a Bennigan’s because she’s just plain angry. Maybe she was accused of trying to leave the bar without paying, even though she was just going out to smoke and find her pal who was smoking and making friends outside. I mean really, not all angry people drinking are trying to be angry drunk. It’s a strange balance, but when you are off kilter even just a little, madness will make haste.

Cocky Drunk – This is that guy who knows everything and has so many jokes that are offensive and annoying and the only way to actually like him is to be equally as drunk and cocky yourself. These conversations will last for hours and offend everyone else in the area… mostly because those people are tight ass pricks. Am I right?

Sexy Drunk – This is when you are so drunk you have no idea what is going on. This is not sexy at all, but YOU think that YOU”RE so sexy. This can be applied to both sexes, but I think women are more prone to this typecast since they spend so much time getting ready and are generally prettier than men. Men are just desperate. Either way: GROSS!

Happy Drunk  – This is the best type of drunk (if that phrase even exists or is ever appropriate). I like to think this kind of drunk isn’t even “drunk”… maybe more of a tipsy spirit who is just ready to let loose, tell mad jokes and dance a bit, laughing and carrying the crowd’s energy on their shoulders. They never have too many drinks and are the one’s holding back someone’s hair in the bathroom, fetching water, and comforting the sad drunks (see above). They are loved by everyone, even if they are fat or ugly, and leave an excellent rep in their wake (unless you are an angry drunk, then you hate them because YOU HATE EVERYTHING!!!!).

TMI Drunk – This is the drunk who is not funny, not boring, but just is. They want to tell you everything about everything and leech onto you like you wanted a leech as a pet. They are not liked, nor are they hated, They are just drunk and should go home and get an exciting hobby that isn’t dull to talk about at a bar. Maybe they need a cat or something.

Now that we have covered all the types of drunk that exist for the purpose of this blog post, there are a variety of social outlets that can be applied to the personalities of drunkenness. Most areas covered in this post will be digital, but it’s important to address personal interaction. We all hang out with other people, obviously, and that generally leads to going home intoxicated and then doing stupid shit on the computer machine or cellular telephone device.

And here is the breakdown for your pleasure.



Drunk Skyping (even at 4:44 am on a Wednesday) is okay, as long as it’s mutual and not a job interview. You can even Skype with cats! Yay! Online dates should maybe start out sober and then progress with a few drinks, but be careful. It’s easy to fall into one of the typecasts above if overindulgence occurs (don’t take my word for it, I date in analog).


This is the most detrimental part of a social media online reputation. I mean, who doesn’t have a facebook? Oh right, people not worth being friends with (Wow, that was a joke. Sorry.) This is not the place to be drunk posting or messaging. I, myself have been called out on it, and all I asked was “how are you.’ Of course, it was 3:36am. My bad.

Here are examples of what might be posted by each of our typecast drunks:

Sad Drunk: My heart is broken. 😦


Thinking of you, Old Friend:

Angry Drunk: OH EMMM GEEEEE! You thnk I’m tslking bout you but I’m not. Not everything is about you! Get over yourslef! (Typos are for effect only).

Cocky Drunk: Ramma Jamma, my ninja! Crackin’ Bottles and shit. Still at da club!

Sexy Drunk: Totally random selfie (at 4am)!



Happy Drunk: I wish I could pet you… and a zebra. Brunch tomorrow?

TMI Drunk: All this person would post would be 1 million Shared links from Friends Posts (mostly pictures of cats), Buzz Feed, and I Fucking Love Science.




Now, with Twitter it isn’t as easy to tell the level of drunk, since It’s okay to misspell or abbreviate things. Plus, twitter can actually be somewhat anonymous and it’s always ticking away, so a tweet at 4am may not be scrutinized as closely.

Examples as follows:

Sad drunk: #Wishing the #stars would stop falling from the sky. #WishUponaStar #ImissYou


#OMG, have you seen this #Video? So #Moving!

Angry Drunk: Fuck you @Diddy YOU SUCK because I said so! GHAAAA!!!!!! #IHATEYOU

Cocky Drunk:  Kicking #AlexTrebek’s ass in #TrivualPursuit. And I’m #DRUNK!

Sexy Drunk: OMG, I am so hot, I had to take off some clothes! heehee!


Nice pink phone.

Happy Drunk: Just saw a grandma with an eyebrow ring. I love the universe!

TMI Drunk:

RT @OMGFacts After WWII, a Japanese pilot was made a honorary citizen of an US city he bombed! Details –> 

RT @MarilynMonroe Warning: these pranks may cause severe anger 

OMG BEY! RT @E1i5e Her stage presence slayed me dead to the ground… #beyonce 


One time I sent out a mass text to all of my friends. I really thought I was being funny. I wrote “drunk text”. It was awesome and I was so clever. Sadly,  I have done it a few times since then and it has gotten old. I am waiting at least one year to do it again.

Be careful. It’s never okay to drink and text. Especially while driving.


Thankfully, drunk phone calls only happen with my friends (oh my god, as far as I know). When I was any of the drunk stereotypes in the past, cell phones were huge Zack Morris – type beasts and I would much rather be alone locked into a “state” in my room listening to Sophie B. Hawkins (As I Lay me Down to Sleep on REPEAT! KILL ME!), Courtney Love, Tonic, Counting Crows, or Live… no matter WHAT mood I was in. Nowadays, It’s a conversation with friends or Captain Clam and they are also usually drunk so we can be our drunken selves and cry and laugh and cheer each other on and be merry.

Just be careful. you can definitely have conversations that you don’t remember, even if you had it from 12am – 4am. Time tends to disappear when infused with the spirits. A good hint is to not drink while you are using the phone. Ha! Like that would ever happen.


Wow. One of the WORST things you can do drunk is send emails. It’s okay to formulate a draft when you are drinking, but don’t hit that send button! And never send a drunk email from your phone! NEVER EVER EVER!

So, now that we have indulged our drunken spirits in the different types of drinking, socializing, and poor choice making, let’s figure out how to solve the problem of ourselves.  I would like to hold the internet responsible for our poor drunk decision making over the past 15 years and propose something called the “Double Goggle Initiative“.

Here is how it works:

Your electronic device works as a “breathalizer”. It is able to determine your drunk typecast based on keywords and a variety of other things based on what has been written. The DoubleGog (as I have affectionately named it) will analyze text based on the following:

Key Words, Content, Curse Words/Bad names, “love” or any other repetitive emotion

Typos and how many times it took to spell a word right

Grammar: Can what you wrote actually be understood?

What is the time based on where you are and the message destination?

Who are you sending this message to?

DoubleGog should ask a variety of questions based on your drunk typecast  (see Above) before authorizing transmission of the message.

Possible questions could be:

How many drinks have you had?

Are you crying?

Do you know what time it is?

Do you realize who you are sending this message to?

Have you actually reviewed this message?

Do you understand what you are saying?

Are you sure you want to send this message?

Are you sure you do not want to sleep on it?


DENIED, Idiot!

DoubleGog would act as a counselor and friend when all of your other friends are fast asleep or sending their own drunken messages. And if DoubleGog deems that you indeed have no idea what you are doing or are in an emotional state that will not allow you to be rational, you will be denied the right to send the message at that moment in time.

In conclusuon, my dear fellow lushes, Don’t drink and drive, and don’t drink and type unless perchance, you are blogging. And if you really want to see what drunk blogging looks like, read my blog “I Heart Sandwiches.” I’m pretty sure I could have used a DoubleGog intervention on that one.

I love you.