Playing Host

And here is the complement to by last posting. Instead of being the stellar guest, you are the perfect host (or hostess, if you’re a pragmatic bitch stuck in the 20th century (how last century of you)). And by perfect, I mean somewhat above and beyond amazing.

I’ve gotta be honest here, most of my hosting skills have been learned from a lovely woman named Linda Jo. She is my former boyfriend’s mom, and I still send her letters to this day just to say hi or because it’s her birthday (tomorrow, actually). What a joy of a person to know. I want to take minute to gush over her sparkling personality, generosity and pure wisdom. What what an amazing person to have had in my life, and I am truly thankful to know her and to benefit from the effects of her presence. And my goodness could this woman throw a party!

Now, with all that said and all the gushing gushed…. Ladies and Gents, get your fucking aprons on. You want to know how to throw party? Here are the ingredients…

1. Space

Pick a space that fits one to one million people. No. I’m kidding. We’d all like to think our parties would have one million people at them but in all likelihood the best we might be able to do is 30 people… and that’s without a DJ. Lighting is crucial and depends on the type of party you are hosting. Dinner parties should involve candles and high lights so people can see their food and other guests. House Parties should be dimly lit with (maybe) a disco ball or some sort of colored lighting that is low lighting, but still makes everyone feel like they are all hot as shit and looking good to everyone else in the room. Sometimes you have to sacrifice class for a little bit of ridiculousness.

Lighting is crucial. So Be sure to get it right.

If you don’t have your own space or an apartment/home that can accomidate the amount of people you are having, then either cancel the party or find a place that is close to home or comfortable, like your friend’s house. You can still be host even if it’s not your home, so don’t ever fret!

2. Food/Booze

My general rule of thumb is to spend $100-125 per party. You can definitely ask people to bring food or drinks to satisfy the masses, but cheap vodka or a million cheap beers do the trick when you want to get a party started, especially if you are expecting 20-30 people. A small crowd for a dinner party or picnic can afford a nice bottle of whiskey, or a higher end product. You want to have fun, but definitely don’t want to go broke. And if any guests have read my previous blog post, they already know that they should bring something to share. It’s to be expected of them. They know. And if they don’t know, have them read On The Guest List.

Unless you are serving dinner, keep snacks simple. Fruit, chips and guacamole/dip.

And don’t be afraid of vomit. You are going to have to clean it up every once in a while. It will be sobering and vomit inducing. That’s the way of the world.

3. Music

People LOVE records. It’s important to put one person you trust in charge of the music. You need to trust their musical tastes as well as their ability to focus on keeping the records playing. Nothing kills a party quickly like a silent room (which is something you should keep in mind when you want everyone to leave).

Make sure you set ground rules if people are touching your records. They MUST go back into her sleeves as soon as they are done playig. At a certain point, it’s safe to just put an iPod mix on and not say anything. No one will even notice.

If you are hosting a dance party, you will need the basic necessities for some killer dancing:

Whitney Houston: I Wanna Dance with Somebody

Anything Michael Jackson, but especially Man In the Mirror (everyone loves that song because it is the best MJ song that was ever been made (I love you, Michael Jackson Dance Parties))

Beyonce: All the Single Ladies

Jay -Z Black Album

Biggie

Bob Marley

And of course, Vanilla Ice: Ice Ice Baby (Duh).

Do not EVER play the following music:

MJ: We are the World (This song seriously NEVER ENDS)

90’s Slow Jams, unless you are running a brothel.

4. Games

Everyone loves a good game. Group games can include Apples to Apples and a home made version of Charades. Rock Band is also an excellent item to have, and can often take the place of music, if the singer is halfway decent. A Karaoke Machine is also a good investment, but that might not bode too well with the drunks or the bitch neighbors.

One year, for my birthday, I held a raffle and gave away prizes to the crowd, which included a dance with me, a painting, and a few swings at a pinata. Grown ups love a good pinata party!

5. Fire Hose

In case of a fight, cool everyone off with a blast of high pressure water and then ask them to leave.

6. Patience

Plan your House party 2 hours before you actually want it to begin (but prepare for anything). If your party starts at 10, don’t expect it to start until midnight. No one comes on time, unless it’s a wedding or a funeral. Most people are home pre-gaming and getting ready for ungodly amounts of time, or they are out at another event (keep in mind you are not the center of their universe until they actually show up).

7. Blankets

Be preapred for people who are too drunk to leave or have already crashed in a chair somewhere. Cover them up and nurture them like they are babies. They are uber vulnerable and need the love. They will not forget it (and hopefully will fold the blanket before they leave in the morning).

Being a host/Hostess involves a ton of grace and organization. Make sure everyone has a drink in their hand, including yourself! It’s hard work taking care of everyone, so be sure to take care of Numero Uno first, and don’t be afraid to be the center of it all. What’s the point in throwing a party if you aren’t gonna have any fun? That’s right, there is none! Enjoy!

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On the Guest List

Ding a Ling a Ding Dong

Captain Clam and I have been opening our doors and having guests over more often than usual. I think it’s the inherent loneliness that comes with spending all of your time with the same person for so long, especially if that person is a clam.

When I lived in the South Bronx, I had guests over daily, either by invite or random drop-by. I loved the company. People would just show up on a Tuesday with a 12 pack and I couldn’t say no, could I? Of course not! Even if we just sat around and hung out, or ate tacos and made paintings, life was good alright, but life is certainly much better with good friends. I Love and Miss you, SoBro Friends (and Elise)!

I also love being company and have a few rules that I follow religiously. Now these rules are mostly common sense “duhs,” but these days sense isn’t all that common (I mean look at Kim Kardashian (’nuff said)).

Rule #1: Always Bring Something
Unless you are popping in for just a second to say hi or use the bathroom (see Rule#2), try not to show up empty handed. You can bring a bundle of flowers, or even wine (or whiskey/beer, if you’re coming over to my place). I even received a cat calendar from a guest once. Wow! No matter what your host or hostess says, bring something, even if it’s Monopoly (ew, but don’t bring Monopoly. That game is lame. Bring Apples to Apples or Rummi Cube instead!).

Rule #2: Have Good Bathroom Etiquette
If you use the bathroom at all or feel sick and maybe need to reverse peristalsis the contents of you stomach, do your best to keep the bathroom clean. I have had many episodes of people vomiting all over the place, like a puke tornado. Sometimes, they didn’t even bother going into the bathroom and just threw up in my hallway or down the stairs. How sobering! And DON’T pee or poo on the toilet seat (AT ALL COSTS). If you use the last of the TP, find the new TP and replace it. And please dispose of sanitary items and adult baby wipes properly. Please always put the lid and seat down on the toilet. Always flush (duh). Thank You.

Rule #3: Don’t Hog the Mic
Don’t insist on your own music being played. It’s fine to suggest a tune or two, but don’t spend 3 hours playing DJ. No one wants to listen to Counting Crows for an hour and a half…. trust me, I have been that person. You also want to shy away from being the center of attention. Your host/hostess should hold that title. Make sure to indulge them and throw a ton of love their way. In other words, make sure there is always drink in their hand and a smile on their face!

Rule #4: Dress Well
Dress like you are the hottest shit in the world. Shave your legs (or face and/or Junk, gentlemen). You really have no idea who will be there. Be it a former lover or someone you haven’t seen in forever. Or maybe even a new love interest, or your old high school nemesis. Crush that bitch’s soul!

Rule #5: Be Polite
We have all been to those parties where there is one person who you want to punch in the face. You do your best to avoid this person, but if you do get stuck chatting them up (SHIT), just be polite and keep it general. Then find some poor schmuck you don’t like (or a good friend who you want to torture with a good hearted joke), introduce the two and excuse yourself (suckers!).

You can also be polite by not staying too late. If you’re the last one there and your host is in their PJs and turning out the lights, you have worn out your welcome. Go home already (unless you are sleeping over)!

Rule #6: Be Thankful
Always thank your host a million times. You can do this by helping with dishes, thanking them verbally, sending a note, or, if you sleep over, leaving a note and folding your blankets (for the love of everything sacred, please fold your blankets). You might even be so inclined to make breakfast or walk their dog/feed their cats or even do the liter box (but that might be taking way too far (but I’d really appreciate it!)).

Rule #7: You Were Never There
At least that’s how it should feel when you leave. Don’t leave things messy. Actually, try to leave them better than before you arrived.

If you follow a certain politeness protocol, you will always be invited back. And being invited back can only mean more FUN, and fun is what being a guest is all about (unless you’re a guest of the state… that requires a whole different set of rules)!