This post goes out to my mom, a sassy, yet extremely polite, little lady who gives the best damn hugs and head rubs in all the land. If you ever meet her, she will make sure you are well fed… and that’s an understatement.
Undoubtedly , there are things that are in the natural world, spiritual world, and technological world that simply will not mix. Here are some of my latest findings. I know how curious you are, since I am so cool and all.
Moms and Computer Machines
This little tale is what inspired the blog post you are currently reading. I hope my mom can forgive me, as she explicitly asked me not to write about the incident, when during said incident, I told her I was going to blog about it.
I called my mom asking for a favor. I have to prove to my Credit Card Company that I am indeed collecting unemployment and am eligible to not have to pay monthly payments until forever. I do not have a printer to print out the Official Benefits Page (I effing HATE Unemployment), so I give mom a call and email her the page. Of course she obliges my request (because she loves me so much). She has to go upstairs to her computer room, wherein lies her “new” computer. The computer wants to update 1 million applications. We wait…. and wait…. ultimately the file will not open. So I send her the file in a different format…. three times. Then we check her “other” computer. Still no success.
Long story short… After three emails, 12 different ways of trying to open the file to print, one dead cell phone, yelling and screaming into speaker phone, sweat, tears, and about 9 hours, she calls me back to let me know that my sister (love you, Chrissy) came over to help her and all she needed to do was download “Adobe Player.” Thanks, Mom!
Deadlines and Poor Internet Speeds
It is seriously like your computer KNOWS just how stressed out you are when that deadline is lurking. I swear I give off an electric energy that makes my computer either NOT work or the internet ceases to function properly until I calm the fuck down. WHY?
Bras and Heat Waves
OH MY GOD!! Please make it stop!
As soon as you hit a certain age (30, which is the new 25) you sweat like all the sweat that you ever had in your whole body has never let itself loose. Any movement makes the ducts flow, dripping saline and grossies, and you are left with boob sweat and stained t-shirts and ruined dresses and poor self-esteem.
And when you do take your bra off, you realize just how big your boobies actually are and you praise the gods for the heat wave… until you need milk and eggs and cheese. Then you go to the store and forget you have no bra on… and even the girls are looking.
Whiskey and Wine
DON”T EVER DO IT. It’s just ugly… like Angry, Sad Crying on Valentine’s Day. True Story.
High Heels on a Picnic
This action is actually Do-Able, if you are careful, play your cards right, and simply don’t give a damn about the shoes you have on. Any situation can be overcome with a little bit of grace.
Every year, a Strawberry Fields Picnic in Central Park (Manhattan, duh) is held and hosted by me and a group of friends (who are now scattered across the country and world). This year, I did an early Spring Picnic. Captain Clam and I needed to get out of Brooklyn and see some old friends. Of course, Central Park is a reasonable meeting area for our (generally) debaucherous gathering.
What I didn’t depend on was the attendance of my good old friend from Long Island popping in with her New Girlfriend. Of course she had RSPV’d via facebook, but facebook is so unreliable when it comes to me and event planning. Everyone is a liar or a pessimist these days. ANYWAY, the new girlfriend shows up dazzling (!) as if she is meeting the most important people in the world (OMG, me!). So here she is, buxom, beautiful, totally confident, wearing full make-up, toting replica pearls, and dragging along a bag full of quiche (qhiche!!)…. and wearing heels. Not little heels, but HEELS. I do believe I made a joke about it (someone had to), but I definitely made sure I could get away with the joke before it fell out of my foul mouth. See was game and totally wonderful!
Eventually we came back to Captain Clam and my BK studio to catch up. We ended up playing the “BEST OF BOTH WORLD’S DRINKING GAME“. It’s the double Start Trek TNG BORG episode drinking game that I made up. You drink whenever anyone says BORG. It’s dangerous. I am still finding replica pearls in my apartment!
Car Keys and a 12 Pack
Unless you’re hanging out with 12 people for at least an hour, DON”T DO IT. It’s dumb… and so are you (if you do it).
Strong Accents and Telephone Calls
Wowzers. I just can’t do it. My old Landlord is Isreali, and I would make him meet me so we could talk. I had no idea what he was saying when we were on the phone. I have a heavy Lawn Guy Land accent myself, so it’s like a turkey and a chicken talking (does that even make sense?). It’s not happening… It’s like calling an American based company and getting an “outsourced” employee. The American Dream is spreading! Sadly, I am void of accent comprehension. It’s not anybody’s fault.
Cats and Cats
I am a crazy cat lady. You did not hear it here first, unless you never met me (a future blog post is in the works). I love cats and I love MY cats…except Squirrel, he’s a dick, and he belongs to Captain Clam.
Squirrel was acquired during the small amount of time that Captain Clam and I lived in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. He showed up so cute and little at our window one day. We fed him and eventually let him in and he peed on our bed.
When we had to move, he was still a little baby. Captain Clam was in love with him and I couldn’t say no… so we took him to the neuter van (ASPCA.org) and brought him into the family. My older cats hated him… and they still hate him one year later. Sadly, the little bastard hates me too, and all I want is a good snuggle from time to time. He eats my plants and terrorizes the geriatric cat population. It sucks getting old.
Shout out to Wee, Mr. T, and Merdok. Don’t let Squirrel Bring you Down!
Tequila and Anger
DON’T DO IT …Unless you really just wanna dance!
Good Shows and Bad Endings
This heading is self explanatory. But let’s recap, shall we?
Merlin – skipping ahead for no effing reason = not cool. And what happened to the white dragon?
Movie: City of Angels – Are you serious? I started crying from halfway through the movie until the very end! WHY?!
Lost – Just plain stupid. Wasted my time imagining the possibilities.
Arrested Development – Should have just left it where it was. Or maybe it was because I watched that last Netflix season in one day…. Sadly, I wasn’t entertained.
Nip/Tuck – Where was the drama in the ending? BORING!
Movie: Cabin in the Woods – So good until the end. LAME! But thanks for the Sigourney Weaver Cameo!
Sopranos – LAME. Sorry. Please don’t give me concrete shoes and RIP Mr. G.
Smallville – We never really got to see you fly! Why Not? Whaaaa!!!! ‘Nuff Said.
Movie: The Ledge: First of all, Jax from SOA would never do that! Or would he for Tara? I don’t know! BUZZ KILL… Did you REALLY have to kill him at the end?! So LAME! But Liv Tyler was a beauty, as usual! Damn.
The Tudors: Why not just go on to the end? Kill that cheating bastard? History demands his death!
Dollhouse: Why was this show ever even canceled? Eliza Dushku is so hot right now! And this show could have been even hotter. 2 seasons? Gross.
Prison Break – Seriously. How many prisons are you planning on breaking out of? And REALLY? You can remove tattoos just like that? BORING… and NOT TRUE.
I know, I know…. I only touch the surface and there are a lot more incompatible things in this world. It’s a weird world though. Luckily, you can disagree with me, or even add to my obvious very in-depth scientific research. I’d like to hear from you. There are some things that don’t mix, but sometimes they do.
I love you.
Thank you to My Sweet Mom, Carol, of course, Priscilla and JoJo, My kitties, Isaak, JKwasna, JDHuizing, LTDan, GBueche, and Captain Clam.