There are tons of things that no one tells you will happen when you turn 30. Thank god I’m here (I know you must think that everyday). I have a friend named Bean who is significantly older than me (well, not really that much older), and she told me that shit just goes to shit when you turn 30 and no one warns you about it. I feel it is my duty to give all you almost 30-something ladies (like the 26 -29.5 crowd) a big fat heads up.
I’m 31. Well, 31 and a half, but I still think I’m 13 (see, that’s 31 bakwards. I’m so clever). I somehow managed to get myself this far, so there must be a god (just kidding, there isn’t (oh poo, don’t be mad that I just said that)). I have learned some things through having older sisters and older friends and, well, just entertaining way too many “hard knocks.”
Ok, so here we go.
You Gain Weight
Yup. Your body slows the hell down. You can’t keep it off unless you really try. And if you like beer (which you also acquire a taste for by your 30’s (unless you already have one)) you can surely count on those pounds adding to your newly sagging chin-scape. And Birth Control? Be choosey into what goes into your body. Your 30’s are WAY different than your 20’s, so be careful with the hormones.
You Just Can’t Hang Like You Used To
Hangovers will last, if not ALL DAY, the entire weekend (since drinking during the week is now a death sentence and you would never dream of going out on a Tuesday). You really just can’t drink like you used to. And if you decide to go out, all you want to do is go back home and watch Netflix with a bottle of wine and something Carbohydrate to “soak it up” with while wearing a snuggie or “real” pajamas. Hanging out is for the frat kids. And they are now way too annoying to even deal with.
You Throw Dinner Parties
You convince yourself that it’s almost cheaper than going out and you can get a little shitty without having to worry about getting home or having really uncomfortable shoes on. Plus you get to show off your cooking skills, which you learned from all of the cooking shows that you are now addicted to. How adult of you! Hopefully you have a dishwasher or super awesome guests.
You Want to Mate, Like, Always
You turn 30 and that clock just starts ticking very loudly. If you haven’t already had a kid (one or two is enough ladies), then you start thinking about it, and you really really want one…. or you consider getting a puppy. Plus mating is important and you are so ready to still feel young and sexy.
You Hope to Get Carded
I always say “I love you” to whoever cards me, even if they tell me that it’s Virginia State Law to card everyone under blah blah blah…. I feel good no matter what.
You Like to Sit
If there is a seat on the train, you will gladly run, fight, and kill for it. You are a lazy mess if you don’t normally work out, but even when you do, sitting is still a hobby and you will do it joyfully.
When I was Your Age
Yeah. That’s now you…
You’re Not Cool Anymore
Yeah. That sucks. You really have to TRY and keep up with the times. Everything is for a younger generation these days. Even though you’re still young (and you tell yourself that everyday), no one cares about your age group. You have no idea who any of the new musical “talents” are and it takes double the time to figure out how to do something on an app or in a computer program and you still have to go and ask your 15 year old niece to show you.
Also, being a 30 year old hipster these days is just kinda lame. You really have to try not to be a hipster in your 30’s… Subdue subdue subdue…. Graphic T’s are still okay, but polka dots and plaids with dip-shit glasses with no frames are just way too “senior in high school” for you.
Holy crap, please shower everyday. Those armpits are stank, even if you don’t work out. And you certainly can’t wear those cheap Payless Slipper shoes anymore, since your feet soak up all the stinkiness of the day and amplify it tenfold, even if you only wear those plastic shoes for 10 minutes.
You Grow Facial Hair
Grab a box of facial bleach or go get threaded (waxing causes pimples, friends) because YOU NOW HAVE A MUSTACHE! It’s okay. A good tan will cover it, but most likely, you gotta visit the salon or one of those Indian ladies with a basket full of thread. They can do your unibrow, too, as well as those sideburns that have been inching down the minute you celebrated your third decade on this earth! Oh and you also grow toe hair. Yup.
You Shave Less
I don’t know about you, but if I know I’m not going anywhere on a weekend, I skip on the armpits. And the legs. And I sometimes skip on the toe hair, too.
You Cry… a lot
Saw that cute kitty video? Or the Autistic man singing the National anthem? Tears. Go ahead and cry. It’s okay! You actually look for those touching videos on the internet, just so you don’t feel like humanity is going to shit right around you.
You Get Sick to Your Stomach
Long gone are those days of putting hot sauce on everything without having to face the consequence…. and that over-dose binge on Sushi will keep your face in the toilet for hours. You definitely “learn” how to eat and let your body decide what it should and should not have. You even look forward to a good salad. Crunch.
Your feet hurt. Your knees are achey. You’re tired. Nothing says “you’re old” like the pains of growing older. Even typing for too long will make your wrists hurt…. and have you written a letter in a while? Even the stamina for that is gone. You begin to sleep with ibuprofen on your night stand instead of in your medicine cabinet.
You start to realize what all of the important things in life really are. You may not be political, but the things in this world really start to affect you. Long gone are those days of caring about what he hell Britney thinks she is doing, or keeping up with the Jones’, when you barely feel like you can keep up with yourself. And it’s okay catch up on the LiLo tragedy, but it’s not going to cause any sleep loss.
You are 30
Once you turn 30, you will always be thirty until you turn 40, then you will be 35. The age of lying about your age in the wrong direction has now officially started. Welcome to the years of fretting over weird things, like tiny lines around your lips, or how 6 hours of sleep just doesn’t cut it anymore. You want to eat dinner at 6:30 and go to bed at 9:30. You even start to know just where that one little grey hair is going to grow in within the next few days.
Aging as a woman these days is so ridiculously blown out of proportion. With all the “advances” is beauty technologies (like Plastic Surgery and injectable youth) we will always be able to find something that’s not right with our faces or bodies. But age 30 is somehow a defining moment for us personally and for society. I’d like to say I don’t care, but moving on to 32 in the next few months as an unmarried motherless cat lady, I am starting to worry that my time will be set in stone soon, based on where I thought I’d be when I was 20. But then again, I know I still have time.. I am still young and still feeling as beautiful as I was when I was 28 (or 17 or 10). Plus the fact that a homeless man spewing chewed donut all over the place told me that I was so beautiful that I made him cry. Yep… I still got it!
So when you turn 30, please be happy to know that it is the new 25. Phew!