*Disclaimer: I am not currently drunk while writing this post. I am sitting on the floor drinking Keystone Light Beer (Always Smooth, apparently), which is merely beer flavored water. I may eventually peel myself up from the floor and have another, but this is a well thought out, sober induced, half researched blog post that I hope will be my best yet. So, please enjoy responsibly and take heed, fellow drinkers!
CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!
Drinking and socializing have gone hand and hand since, well, forever… which means that drinking, socializing, and very poor decisions have also gone hand in hand in hand for the same period of time. What a messy three-way!
Overindulgence is sometimes unavoidable, like if it’s a baby’s first birthday party or your friends wedding in Vineland (Bumble-Fuck), New Jersey. You can’t always be sure WHAT is going to happen, especially if you and your friends are absolutely out of your minds to begin with.
There are many different types of “drunk” that exist. Please read below for my full synopsis, as I trust you will. Please note that I left out that person who always lets you know that they are drunk (Oh My God, I am SOOOOOO drunk right now!). It’s annoying. We all do it from time to time, so just beware.
Sad Drunk – Now, sad drunks aren’t always sad. They can be people who just have adverse reactions to red wine and think that John Denver’s “Back Home Again” is just so damn moving. It really is (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJUnnnXg_oY ), but I’m not crying about it (not yet, anyway!)! Get a grip! Stop listening to that sappy country folk music for the remainder of your wine binge, and listen to something you can dance to. Dancing is way more fun than crying and releases the same chemicals. DUH!
Then there is the sad drunk who is completely inconsolable. Their loved one left them or perhaps a family member passed away. They need to be out of their apartments so their sorrows don’t suffocate them, but they are totally killing the buzz. So… you drink a gallon of wine with them and join in the sympathy party (Gosh, you are such a good friend). Lesson learned: Sad people should not drink wine, unless everyone is ready to be supportive and you are in a living room with a good girl movie and pounds of food.
Angry Drunk – This isn’t always that tough guy trying to prove he’s got muscles and mega testosterone. This is sometimes that sassy bitch who just needs to fight a lawn chair at a Bennigan’s because she’s just plain angry. Maybe she was accused of trying to leave the bar without paying, even though she was just going out to smoke and find her pal who was smoking and making friends outside. I mean really, not all angry people drinking are trying to be angry drunk. It’s a strange balance, but when you are off kilter even just a little, madness will make haste.
Cocky Drunk – This is that guy who knows everything and has so many jokes that are offensive and annoying and the only way to actually like him is to be equally as drunk and cocky yourself. These conversations will last for hours and offend everyone else in the area… mostly because those people are tight ass pricks. Am I right?
Sexy Drunk – This is when you are so drunk you have no idea what is going on. This is not sexy at all, but YOU think that YOU”RE so sexy. This can be applied to both sexes, but I think women are more prone to this typecast since they spend so much time getting ready and are generally prettier than men. Men are just desperate. Either way: GROSS!
Happy Drunk – This is the best type of drunk (if that phrase even exists or is ever appropriate). I like to think this kind of drunk isn’t even “drunk”… maybe more of a tipsy spirit who is just ready to let loose, tell mad jokes and dance a bit, laughing and carrying the crowd’s energy on their shoulders. They never have too many drinks and are the one’s holding back someone’s hair in the bathroom, fetching water, and comforting the sad drunks (see above). They are loved by everyone, even if they are fat or ugly, and leave an excellent rep in their wake (unless you are an angry drunk, then you hate them because YOU HATE EVERYTHING!!!!).
TMI Drunk – This is the drunk who is not funny, not boring, but just is. They want to tell you everything about everything and leech onto you like you wanted a leech as a pet. They are not liked, nor are they hated, They are just drunk and should go home and get an exciting hobby that isn’t dull to talk about at a bar. Maybe they need a cat or something.
Now that we have covered all the types of drunk that exist for the purpose of this blog post, there are a variety of social outlets that can be applied to the personalities of drunkenness. Most areas covered in this post will be digital, but it’s important to address personal interaction. We all hang out with other people, obviously, and that generally leads to going home intoxicated and then doing stupid shit on the computer machine or cellular telephone device.
And here is the breakdown for your pleasure.
Drunk Skyping (even at 4:44 am on a Wednesday) is okay, as long as it’s mutual and not a job interview. You can even Skype with cats! Yay! Online dates should maybe start out sober and then progress with a few drinks, but be careful. It’s easy to fall into one of the typecasts above if overindulgence occurs (don’t take my word for it, I date in analog).
This is the most detrimental part of a social media online reputation. I mean, who doesn’t have a facebook? Oh right, people not worth being friends with (Wow, that was a joke. Sorry.) This is not the place to be drunk posting or messaging. I, myself have been called out on it, and all I asked was “how are you.’ Of course, it was 3:36am. My bad.
Here are examples of what might be posted by each of our typecast drunks:
Sad Drunk: My heart is broken. 😦 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2Rch6WvPJE
Thinking of you, Old Friend: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3FixiNdni0
Angry Drunk: OH EMMM GEEEEE! You thnk I’m tslking bout you but I’m not. Not everything is about you! Get over yourslef! (Typos are for effect only).
Cocky Drunk: Ramma Jamma, my ninja! Crackin’ Bottles and shit. Still at da club!
Sexy Drunk: Totally random selfie (at 4am)!
Happy Drunk: I wish I could pet you… and a zebra. Brunch tomorrow?
TMI Drunk: All this person would post would be 1 million Shared links from Friends Posts (mostly pictures of cats), Buzz Feed, and I Fucking Love Science.
I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE!
TWITTER OF THE THUMBS
Now, with Twitter it isn’t as easy to tell the level of drunk, since It’s okay to misspell or abbreviate things. Plus, twitter can actually be somewhat anonymous and it’s always ticking away, so a tweet at 4am may not be scrutinized as closely.
Examples as follows:
Sad drunk: #Wishing the #stars would stop falling from the sky. #WishUponaStar #ImissYou http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNIPqafd4As
#OMG, have you seen this #Video? So #Moving! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAcgBf-JJFk
Angry Drunk: Fuck you @Diddy YOU SUCK because I said so! GHAAAA!!!!!! #IHATEYOU
Cocky Drunk: Kicking #AlexTrebek’s ass in #TrivualPursuit. And I’m #DRUNK!
Sexy Drunk: OMG, I am so hot, I had to take off some clothes! heehee!
Nice pink phone.
Happy Drunk: Just saw a grandma with an eyebrow ring. I love the universe!
RT @OMGFacts After WWII, a Japanese pilot was made a honorary citizen of an US city he bombed! Details –> http://omgf.ac/ts/gB2
RT @MarilynMonroe Warning: these pranks may cause severe anger http://bit.ly/1b9GXdE
OMG BEY! RT @E1i5e Her stage presence slayed me dead to the ground…
TEXTING, TEXTING 1,2,3…
One time I sent out a mass text to all of my friends. I really thought I was being funny. I wrote “drunk text”. It was awesome and I was so clever. Sadly, I have done it a few times since then and it has gotten old. I am waiting at least one year to do it again.
Be careful. It’s never okay to drink and text. Especially while driving.
THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED…
Thankfully, drunk phone calls only happen with my friends (oh my god, as far as I know). When I was any of the drunk stereotypes in the past, cell phones were huge Zack Morris – type beasts and I would much rather be alone locked into a “state” in my room listening to Sophie B. Hawkins (As I Lay me Down to Sleep on REPEAT! KILL ME!), Courtney Love, Tonic, Counting Crows, or Live… no matter WHAT mood I was in. Nowadays, It’s a conversation with friends or Captain Clam and they are also usually drunk so we can be our drunken selves and cry and laugh and cheer each other on and be merry.
Just be careful. you can definitely have conversations that you don’t remember, even if you had it from 12am – 4am. Time tends to disappear when infused with the spirits. A good hint is to not drink while you are using the phone. Ha! Like that would ever happen.
Wow. One of the WORST things you can do drunk is send emails. It’s okay to formulate a draft when you are drinking, but don’t hit that send button! And never send a drunk email from your phone! NEVER EVER EVER!
So, now that we have indulged our drunken spirits in the different types of drinking, socializing, and poor choice making, let’s figure out how to solve the problem of ourselves. I would like to hold the internet responsible for our poor drunk decision making over the past 15 years and propose something called the “Double Goggle Initiative“.
Here is how it works:
Your electronic device works as a “breathalizer”. It is able to determine your drunk typecast based on keywords and a variety of other things based on what has been written. The DoubleGog (as I have affectionately named it) will analyze text based on the following:
Key Words, Content, Curse Words/Bad names, “love” or any other repetitive emotion
Typos and how many times it took to spell a word right
Grammar: Can what you wrote actually be understood?
What is the time based on where you are and the message destination?
Who are you sending this message to?
DoubleGog should ask a variety of questions based on your drunk typecast (see Above) before authorizing transmission of the message.
Possible questions could be:
How many drinks have you had?
Are you crying?
Do you know what time it is?
Do you realize who you are sending this message to?
Have you actually reviewed this message?
Do you understand what you are saying?
Are you sure you want to send this message?
Are you sure you do not want to sleep on it?
DoubleGog would act as a counselor and friend when all of your other friends are fast asleep or sending their own drunken messages. And if DoubleGog deems that you indeed have no idea what you are doing or are in an emotional state that will not allow you to be rational, you will be denied the right to send the message at that moment in time.
In conclusuon, my dear fellow lushes, Don’t drink and drive, and don’t drink and type unless perchance, you are blogging. And if you really want to see what drunk blogging looks like, read my blog “I Heart Sandwiches.” I’m pretty sure I could have used a DoubleGog intervention on that one.
I love you.