Adventure, Bucket List, Change, Contest, Humor, Lotto, Opinion, POOP, Winning

You’re a Winner

I have always been pretty lucky. When I was a kid, it seemed that any raffle I entered would be a winning experience for me. One time I won a bike kickstand at Bike Safety Day. My parents would take us kids to the Jersey Shore every summer and we would play games on the boardwalk. I’d come home with a zillion stuffed animals. Actually, we all would. The only difference between my sisters’ dolls and mine were how we won them. While my sisters would play games of skill, I’d play games of luck. I always had a knack for knowing what number to put my dollar down on. I once walked up to a claw game, stuffed a dollar in and instantly won a talking Steve Urkel doll. The claw went down and came up with a tiny piece of his rubber glasses holding on (almost literally by a thread). It’s like I just knew I’d win, so I played with complete confidence. Sadly, my 6th Sense has dimmed as I have grown older, but I do manage to carry some luck around with me every once in a while.

vintage-urkel-doll

He always made me feel like a winner.

Every time I play the Lottery, I am beyond sure that I am going to win. I immediately start planning my life as a millionaire, convinced that I could buy the entire state of Maine if I wait a few years before splurging and let my money sit and collect interest. When I talk to Captain Clam about it, he brings up all of the places in the world we could possibly live, if even for just a few months of our lives.

powerball

Investing in Hope and Chance.

My first purchase would be a new pair of pants to replace the pair that I had soiled upon learning of my amazing luck. Then, of course, I would wear those pants to my new lawyer’s office to discuss what the heck was about to happen to me. I might buy a sandwich or pizza somewhere in between the pants and the Lawyer.  I am confident that I would opt to be paid out immediately, meaning I’d receive a little less that half of the entire sum after taxes (I’m okay with that).

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Poop Jokes: Around since the beginning of time.

My next order of business would be typing lessons. If you have ever g-chatted with me, you know I am a drunk kitten on the keyboard. I can remember having maybe one lesson as a child, but never understood how many hours of my life would be spent clacking away at plastic letters, so I never took typing seriously.

cat-on-keyboard

Typing = Not Serious

My second order of business would be to move my home base. While the Brooklyn Studio apartment that Le Clam and I share with 4 kitties and 2 beta fish is very cozy, it also totally sucks. I think it’s fair to say that we deserve at least a one bedroom…. maybe even an extra half bath. I don’t know if we’d rent or own, but I would sure kiss this apartment (and most likely Brooklyn) goodbye.

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Fit for a Clam Fam.

The third order of biz would be to get the hell out of town. I don’t know where we’d go first (and I certainly don’t want you to follow us there) or how long we’d stay, but I do know that I don’t want to live life without seeing wild zebras or the Pyramids in person. I want to feel small and insignificant (more so than I do now).

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Captain Clam might be jealous, but the world will be our Oyster!

A priority would be donating some of the winnings. I would donate to my Alma Maters, SUNY Stony Brook and the Fashion Institute of Technology, and ask that they please design a bad ass bathroom with my name on it. Ideally the bathroom would be one stall with mood lighting and music playing, but that might be overkill (at least at Stony Brook). I would also hold a contest for prospective students who cannot afford school, but really really want and deserve to go. As a former Professional Student, I truly understand the passion for learning and the hunger of a starving artist/business school student. The contest would vary each year and would be the greatest contest of all time.

bathroom Raleigh NC

There is precedence for this request… and that last name is so close to my own…. Perhaps bathroom humor runs in the family?

I’d also like to spend time on making art. It’s an activity that I love doing, but have had to give up for the past few months due to laziness and lack of creativity. I don’t think that money will inspire me, but it might help me inspire myself by giving me the resources to afford to even step out of my house.

LADY

The good old days.

Of course I’d make Captain Clam an honest man and wear his pearl and become Lady Clam (if he’ll have the company of course). Then we could settle down and have an animal sanctuary in Alaska or Canada or somewhere cold (maybe even the entire state of Maine!). He has talked about wolves and snow leopards and I am thinking more of babies, but I’m sure our issues would be worked out rather harmoniously (as long as there are cats involved).

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Apparently it IS a thing!

Another dream of ours is to own a vintage furniture shop. This dream will probably happen even if we don’t hit it big with 5 lucky numbers. You see, His Clamminess and I are huge furniture nerds. We met in a furniture studio and fell in love while talking about writing tables and chaise lounges (with or without tufting?). It’s all very romantic (as romantic as a Polished Espresso Mahogany finish will allow).

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It’s true… Clams included.

I do also think that somewhere between the orders of business 1 and 3 , I would abandon facebook. Sorry, but it’s none of your business what I am doing with my money, and I would just irritate myself if I became one of those people who boasts about how rich they are. Boasting about awesomeness is a different story.

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Of course our incredible families would reap from our ridiculous stroke of luck. They deserve SOMETHING for having to put up with the two of us for 30-something years. Clam and I are both the youngest of 3; his family is all boys, and mine is all girls. God Bless both of those sets of parents and siblings (I am at a loss in the picture department. Sorry!).

I have been reading up on winning millions and have come across stories where people ran through their money so quickly. I can see how spending money can become an easy task. I wonder what people spend their loot on, and look to celebrities and sports stars for assistance. It’s all CRAP for the most part. I’d like to think that money would not change me, but that would be a silly thought. I do, however, understand that money will not solve all of your problems, and you can only numb the pain for so long with huge toy purchases and other shit no one actually needs.

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I do not need this.

The following things would not be on my shopping list, as I feel no sense of need or desire for them:

Caviar – Please google “caviar” and see how brutal the process of harvesting the caviar is. No thanks.

McMansion– That’s so 2004. Plus, I doubt that we need 18,625 SQFT of inside living space. I am dating a Clam for Christ sake!

Tiny Forks– I don’t understand them, don’t need them, and don’t want them.

Super Duper Cars– I don’t have a car now. I don’t really need one, let alone 6 (can you imagine trying to park in NYC with that many cars!?). If I did buy a vehicle, it’d probably be a little pick-up truck. That way, I can help my pals when they have to move!

$450,000 Crack Party– Tyrone Biggums, as portrayed by Dave Chapelle, lost it all! According to my research, a lot of people who lose their winnings do so on account of alcohol, strippers, and bad decisions made on drugs. I love to throw a party, but I think I’ll stick to wine, beer, and fancy tacos.

Cosmetic Surgery– I don’t want to be any other character but me. I might, however, consider Lasers to permanenty remove my mustache, and also removal of my tramp stamp (since it’s no longer 2002 and I am no longer 20).

Friends– Because that kind of weird shit happens. No thanks. Buy your own damn drinks!

Among the obvious expenses (like paying off student loans and other miscellaneous debt), here is a list of Weird must-haves in my millionaire shopping cart:

An Awesome Sofa– As stated above, Captain Clam and I love furniture. I also happen to work for one of the best Upholstery Workrooms in the universe. I think we could get a bad-ass deal on something beautiful, and even add our personal touches by having Le Clam himself design the rump rester.

A Bad Ass XEROX copy machine/scanner/printer- This is the only thing that I miss from my last job. I still think about it quite fondly.

Instant Photo Booth- Sometimes I get sentimental.

A Tree Farm– I love trees! I want to grow and raise all kinds of wood species so we can built our furniture sustainably. It’d also be nice to eat some home grown apples and other yummy stuffs.

Stained Glass Windows – Because why not?

Wanda Raimundi-Ortiz Painting/Drawing– Wanda is a friend of mine from half a lifetime ago. I met her because she was the previous tenant in my old Loft in the South Bronx. I have a few art pieces that were salvaged (one from the garbage and one was literally chopped out of a wall). I’d like to one day actually pay her for a gorgeous creation.

Well, this post has escalated out of control, but then again so has my imagination. On the eve of one of the largest Mega Millions drawings since the last largest Mega Millions drawing, I can’t help but be psyched. I never play Lotto (except for Scratch-off Fridays with Captain Clam every once in a while (75% of the time I win my money back – at least)), but I have a good feeling… kinda like I had when I walked up to the claw machine and won that Urkel doll. Even if I win my $5 back, I am content. If I win nothing, then I am out $5, but blogged up a storm, so it measures itself out somehow.

I am reading back and realizing that my dreams aren’t so far fetched. I mean, I already own some stained glass and just bought a really nice fancy futon (it has cup holders built in!). My advice to all of you, if any of you ever do win, is to sign the back of the ticket. I have seen too many documentaries about Lottery fraud (okay just one hour long show, but whatever) and I would hate to see that happen to me or you or anyone else (unless they were total dick-holes and deserved to be ripped off).

Mega Millions is 400 Million dollars, the drawing is Friday the 13th, and I’m feeling incredibly lucky these days… I better go find myself a good lawyer and sturdy pair of pants.

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Food

I Heart Sandwiches

Universe.

I Heart Sammys. Truth.

I Heart Sammys. Truth.

Hello.

I have missed you for some time now, although I fear that you have not missed me.

You see, I have been in need of a sandwich since, um, FOREVER. It’s been a long time since anyone has made me one… maybe about 4-6 weeks. Dang.

I like sandwiches with mayo and hot sauce with some fresh green peppers, freshly ground black pepper and some black olives. It’s really not too much to ask for. Oh, and if there are tomatoes, please take all seeds and gross juices out before applying to said sandwich. If black olives are not available, I will gladly take the green ones instead, even though they are sometimes far too salty. But that’s what beer is for….

I myself am a queen of sandwich making. I love sandwiches and I am so good at making them. Too bad I am just lazy at the moment and want someone else to go and make me a damn sandwich.

I wish I had brie so I could caramelize some onions and make a grilled cheese sandwich. Those are my favorite. Mmmm…. Grilled cheese….. I seriously just went and made myself one.

So distracted.

My boyfriend (Captain Clam) and I are making a cookbook for poor people who also like food and eating. I think there will be a sandwich section. There must be! And also a soup section and a chicken section and a hamburgers made from tofu and turkey meat section.

Yet I digress… as always. What can I say? I fucking love food! Cooking and eating- an all inclusive love of food. And damn it to hell, I am good at it. Try one of my tacos. Another digression… still. Sorry. But not really.

Sandwiches. Focus.

I need one as badly as I need a job. And at this point, like any job, I would take any sandwich to sit its pretty open or closed face in front of me. Wow. That ‘s a lot of information. But I am serious about my sandwich craving at this exact moment in time. All sandwiches deserve to be destroyed and turned into energy inside of my body.

Sidebar: Even though I just ate a grilled cheese, I still want a sandwich…. it happens. Seriously. Pretty sure we’ve all been there.

One of the best sandwiches I ever consumed had those pickled red peppers you get from Fairway on/in it ( you know the fancy fresh olive section where you can help yourself to “free samples”). OHMIGOD, that sandwich still makes me salivate. Those pepper are seriously the shit and any sandwich worth eating should have those on/in it. Also, adding some slices of the garlic stuffed olives from the same section at Fairway will make you melt. Garlic anything is the shit and there is no such thing as “too much garlic.” Rule 1: Live by it.

I am best known for what I like to call “GOURMET GRILLED CHEESE SAMMYS”. That will definitely be a section in my cookbook. I basically use a roll or hero bread and a potato masher. The secret is to smoosh the hell out of the roll and to burn the bread a little bit (for flavor of course) and don’t skimp on the butter.

NEVER SKIMP ON THE BUTTER!

NEVER!

It’s one of those Paul Dean Diabetic mishaps. But Julia used butter too, and no one can say shit about her. Plus, butter is amazing, and paired with cheese (melted/hard/soft/whatever!)? LIFE IS GOOD! My bestie Elise taught me about cheese and butter sandwiches. At first I was like “what?” and then I was like ” Can you please make me another one?” DIGRESSION. Rats! ( I like to say “rats!” around kids because it’s cute and they learn from us grown ups. And it’s better than saying “FUCK!” although sometimes the f-bomb clearly gets a point across… to be used around children selectively, of course…).

And here I go digressing even further….

Hi. My name is Stephanie and I am a cheese-a-holic. A quick digression on my love of cheese…. I won’t even get into it. You get the point. I know you also love cheese. And if you don’t? Well, then, too bad for you! You are surely missing out.

Cheese is the shit.

Although, cheese sandwiches need meat or funsies- like peppers or carrots or hot sauce covered romaine lettuce. Green peppers are the best. The flavor and crunch makes the sandwich a mysterious adventure. What flavor is in store for my taste buds?

DELICIOUSNESS! Get it and put a patent on it.

I have, however, recently discovered yellow peppers, but have yet to try them on a sammy. I am also interested in experimenting with snow peas and hummus, although I have no idea how to pair them with my fine cheese palette. Please keep in mind – I am a cheese addict and not a cheese snob. THOSE people are the worst. I also have a tendancy to make things up, so please don’t EVER believe anything I say. Unless it’s about food and cat health. Damn! Digression! Again! How do I get to this place?

I will keep you posted on my findings on the yellow pepper sammy situation. In the meantime, go buy one and cut it up and eat the shit out of it. You won’t be mad.

I love you.

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