Adventure, Bucket List, Change, Contest, Humor, Lotto, Opinion, POOP, Winning

You’re a Winner

I have always been pretty lucky. When I was a kid, it seemed that any raffle I entered would be a winning experience for me. One time I won a bike kickstand at Bike Safety Day. My parents would take us kids to the Jersey Shore every summer and we would play games on the boardwalk. I’d come home with a zillion stuffed animals. Actually, we all would. The only difference between my sisters’ dolls and mine were how we won them. While my sisters would play games of skill, I’d play games of luck. I always had a knack for knowing what number to put my dollar down on. I once walked up to a claw game, stuffed a dollar in and instantly won a talking Steve Urkel doll. The claw went down and came up with a tiny piece of his rubber glasses holding on (almost literally by a thread). It’s like I just knew I’d win, so I played with complete confidence. Sadly, my 6th Sense has dimmed as I have grown older, but I do manage to carry some luck around with me every once in a while.

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He always made me feel like a winner.

Every time I play the Lottery, I am beyond sure that I am going to win. I immediately start planning my life as a millionaire, convinced that I could buy the entire state of Maine if I wait a few years before splurging and let my money sit and collect interest. When I talk to Captain Clam about it, he brings up all of the places in the world we could possibly live, if even for just a few months of our lives.

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Investing in Hope and Chance.

My first purchase would be a new pair of pants to replace the pair that I had soiled upon learning of my amazing luck. Then, of course, I would wear those pants to my new lawyer’s office to discuss what the heck was about to happen to me. I might buy a sandwich or pizza somewhere in between the pants and the Lawyer.  I am confident that I would opt to be paid out immediately, meaning I’d receive a little less that half of the entire sum after taxes (I’m okay with that).

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Poop Jokes: Around since the beginning of time.

My next order of business would be typing lessons. If you have ever g-chatted with me, you know I am a drunk kitten on the keyboard. I can remember having maybe one lesson as a child, but never understood how many hours of my life would be spent clacking away at plastic letters, so I never took typing seriously.

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Typing = Not Serious

My second order of business would be to move my home base. While the Brooklyn Studio apartment that Le Clam and I share with 4 kitties and 2 beta fish is very cozy, it also totally sucks. I think it’s fair to say that we deserve at least a one bedroom…. maybe even an extra half bath. I don’t know if we’d rent or own, but I would sure kiss this apartment (and most likely Brooklyn) goodbye.

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Fit for a Clam Fam.

The third order of biz would be to get the hell out of town. I don’t know where we’d go first (and I certainly don’t want you to follow us there) or how long we’d stay, but I do know that I don’t want to live life without seeing wild zebras or the Pyramids in person. I want to feel small and insignificant (more so than I do now).

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Captain Clam might be jealous, but the world will be our Oyster!

A priority would be donating some of the winnings. I would donate to my Alma Maters, SUNY Stony Brook and the Fashion Institute of Technology, and ask that they please design a bad ass bathroom with my name on it. Ideally the bathroom would be one stall with mood lighting and music playing, but that might be overkill (at least at Stony Brook). I would also hold a contest for prospective students who cannot afford school, but really really want and deserve to go. As a former Professional Student, I truly understand the passion for learning and the hunger of a starving artist/business school student. The contest would vary each year and would be the greatest contest of all time.

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There is precedence for this request… and that last name is so close to my own…. Perhaps bathroom humor runs in the family?

I’d also like to spend time on making art. It’s an activity that I love doing, but have had to give up for the past few months due to laziness and lack of creativity. I don’t think that money will inspire me, but it might help me inspire myself by giving me the resources to afford to even step out of my house.

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The good old days.

Of course I’d make Captain Clam an honest man and wear his pearl and become Lady Clam (if he’ll have the company of course). Then we could settle down and have an animal sanctuary in Alaska or Canada or somewhere cold (maybe even the entire state of Maine!). He has talked about wolves and snow leopards and I am thinking more of babies, but I’m sure our issues would be worked out rather harmoniously (as long as there are cats involved).

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Apparently it IS a thing!

Another dream of ours is to own a vintage furniture shop. This dream will probably happen even if we don’t hit it big with 5 lucky numbers. You see, His Clamminess and I are huge furniture nerds. We met in a furniture studio and fell in love while talking about writing tables and chaise lounges (with or without tufting?). It’s all very romantic (as romantic as a Polished Espresso Mahogany finish will allow).

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It’s true… Clams included.

I do also think that somewhere between the orders of business 1 and 3 , I would abandon facebook. Sorry, but it’s none of your business what I am doing with my money, and I would just irritate myself if I became one of those people who boasts about how rich they are. Boasting about awesomeness is a different story.

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Of course our incredible families would reap from our ridiculous stroke of luck. They deserve SOMETHING for having to put up with the two of us for 30-something years. Clam and I are both the youngest of 3; his family is all boys, and mine is all girls. God Bless both of those sets of parents and siblings (I am at a loss in the picture department. Sorry!).

I have been reading up on winning millions and have come across stories where people ran through their money so quickly. I can see how spending money can become an easy task. I wonder what people spend their loot on, and look to celebrities and sports stars for assistance. It’s all CRAP for the most part. I’d like to think that money would not change me, but that would be a silly thought. I do, however, understand that money will not solve all of your problems, and you can only numb the pain for so long with huge toy purchases and other shit no one actually needs.

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I do not need this.

The following things would not be on my shopping list, as I feel no sense of need or desire for them:

Caviar – Please google “caviar” and see how brutal the process of harvesting the caviar is. No thanks.

McMansion– That’s so 2004. Plus, I doubt that we need 18,625 SQFT of inside living space. I am dating a Clam for Christ sake!

Tiny Forks– I don’t understand them, don’t need them, and don’t want them.

Super Duper Cars– I don’t have a car now. I don’t really need one, let alone 6 (can you imagine trying to park in NYC with that many cars!?). If I did buy a vehicle, it’d probably be a little pick-up truck. That way, I can help my pals when they have to move!

$450,000 Crack Party– Tyrone Biggums, as portrayed by Dave Chapelle, lost it all! According to my research, a lot of people who lose their winnings do so on account of alcohol, strippers, and bad decisions made on drugs. I love to throw a party, but I think I’ll stick to wine, beer, and fancy tacos.

Cosmetic Surgery– I don’t want to be any other character but me. I might, however, consider Lasers to permanenty remove my mustache, and also removal of my tramp stamp (since it’s no longer 2002 and I am no longer 20).

Friends– Because that kind of weird shit happens. No thanks. Buy your own damn drinks!

Among the obvious expenses (like paying off student loans and other miscellaneous debt), here is a list of Weird must-haves in my millionaire shopping cart:

An Awesome Sofa– As stated above, Captain Clam and I love furniture. I also happen to work for one of the best Upholstery Workrooms in the universe. I think we could get a bad-ass deal on something beautiful, and even add our personal touches by having Le Clam himself design the rump rester.

A Bad Ass XEROX copy machine/scanner/printer- This is the only thing that I miss from my last job. I still think about it quite fondly.

Instant Photo Booth- Sometimes I get sentimental.

A Tree Farm– I love trees! I want to grow and raise all kinds of wood species so we can built our furniture sustainably. It’d also be nice to eat some home grown apples and other yummy stuffs.

Stained Glass Windows – Because why not?

Wanda Raimundi-Ortiz Painting/Drawing– Wanda is a friend of mine from half a lifetime ago. I met her because she was the previous tenant in my old Loft in the South Bronx. I have a few art pieces that were salvaged (one from the garbage and one was literally chopped out of a wall). I’d like to one day actually pay her for a gorgeous creation.

Well, this post has escalated out of control, but then again so has my imagination. On the eve of one of the largest Mega Millions drawings since the last largest Mega Millions drawing, I can’t help but be psyched. I never play Lotto (except for Scratch-off Fridays with Captain Clam every once in a while (75% of the time I win my money back – at least)), but I have a good feeling… kinda like I had when I walked up to the claw machine and won that Urkel doll. Even if I win my $5 back, I am content. If I win nothing, then I am out $5, but blogged up a storm, so it measures itself out somehow.

I am reading back and realizing that my dreams aren’t so far fetched. I mean, I already own some stained glass and just bought a really nice fancy futon (it has cup holders built in!). My advice to all of you, if any of you ever do win, is to sign the back of the ticket. I have seen too many documentaries about Lottery fraud (okay just one hour long show, but whatever) and I would hate to see that happen to me or you or anyone else (unless they were total dick-holes and deserved to be ripped off).

Mega Millions is 400 Million dollars, the drawing is Friday the 13th, and I’m feeling incredibly lucky these days… I better go find myself a good lawyer and sturdy pair of pants.

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Sick Day

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If only I were this cute yesterday…

Leave it to me to get sick on the first 80 degree day in October. I have been sick all week, but yesterday I was too sick to even move, let alone go to work. I texted my work pal at 7am telling her how broken I was. I then drifted off to sleep until 8 when I called and let work know that it was official. I’m sick… like, legitimately.

Now, I should have known I was getting sick by all of the awful nightmares I have been having. I attributed them to the new mattress that Captain Clam surprised me with on Monday. I thought that maybe since I was sleeping well and not having to wake up every 3 hours to add air to the bed that my dreams were just catching up with an uninterrupted sleep cycle. I also attributed the very early 7:30 pm bed-times to the new mattress. Basically I have lived in bed since we got it. I am either extremely excited to have the new mattress or I am really stinkin’ sick.

I took a sick day. I wanted to take 2, but unfortunately I am still in my 90 day trial period and I simply don’t get paid days off yet (I don’t even get paid holidays yet (whaaa)). As it were, I woke up from my third nightmare where I had a beard tattoo growing up my neck and onto my chin. It was red and blue. In my dream all I could think was “This must be a dream. Why would I do this?” Thankfully, it was and I woke up in horror.

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John Henry Fuseli’s “The Nightmare”. I named that little demon on top “influenza”. How poetic.

One of my dreams was a very vivid kidnap dream with crazy amounts of violence.  The dream was incredibly gory. However, I didn’t wake up scared or full of adrenaline, but I was really kind of thinking “What the Fuck” when a high school friend tried to manually tie my tubes with a kitchen knife.

Somewhere along the way there was a dream about a monster hunting retreat you could sign up for. The hunting grounds were on an old estate that was littered with old vehicles full of supplies and weapons. You were allowed to bring your hunting dogs with you, but they were liable to turn on you at any given point in the “game”.  After the first week, all the participants who were left standing were invited to a “ball” where they were given a night off from the monsters. The monsters ranged from Dinosaurs to zombies. Sounds like an awesome video game about nothing to me (I could make MILLIONS!).

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I googled “zombie monster” and this is what I got.

There are a few more fever dreams (like the one with all the road kill bears), but those are the strangest. After my encounter with them, I was certainly not ready to face a day that needed to be started at 6am. When I finally rolled out of bed at 10:30 (I don’t even sleep that late on weekends! Gosh I am getting old), I had a small spark of ambition since I figured it was a “day off”. Oh my, how wrong I was! I am realizing that most of the sick days I used at my previous job were mostly “mental health” days, and that my current sick day was just that… a sick day.

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That’s what a sick clam looks like.

I was completely unable to function at all yesterday. I was inspired to write this blog post and finish a few others that I have neglected for far too long (remember 6 Word Stories?) I even thought that a walk to the park would help me, maybe a little sunshine would dry out my face, or maybe I could sweep and mop and do laundry and toilet train the kitties on this glorious day filled with sneezing and coughing and all kinds of other things you need toilet paper for. And there’s the kicker. We didn’t have any toilet paper.

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An excellent pun.

But at least we had internet.

I spent most of the day on Netflix, Facebook and watching cat videos (HERE is a link the the greatest thing in the world as of yesterday). I also spent a ridiculous amount of time on www.landandfarm.com looking for the perfect homestead in Maine for me and My Captain. I did find a few doozies and gladly shared them with Le Clam when he got home from work last night. What we have discovered about Maine is that no one has ever cracked open an Architectural Digest and that you can never have enough pine in your life. Wall paper is a different story.

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I LOVE PINE!

Despite my inability to move but admiration for the thought of being motivated, I was able to do the dishes, tidy up the apartment, put some laundry away (which consisted of me putting most of it back into the laundry bin or directly into the garbage), make the deliciously comfortable NEW and exciting bed ( yes, I am counting that, even though I laid down most of the day, but ON TOP of the covers), shower (it was more like a bath with the shower on), and make myself something to eat (and by “make myself something to eat” I mean I made Ramen Noodles (strangely, Mr T. Was climbing into the bowl trying to get at them. She’s such a frat girl!)).

The moral of my story is that sick days when you are truly sick (like pieces of your lungs are coming out of your mouth) are meant to be spent in bed being cuddled by furry animals watching bad tv and eating soup. At a certain point it hurts to even think about doing anything else (like bathing). It’s okay to be sick and to take a day to heal. I only wish I had taken a second day to finish the beginning of recovery before heading all snot nosed back to the office. And it’s okay to be sick of soup, since now that is all you are allowed to eat (according to every mom’s advice). It’s only for a week or so!

 

Sorry if this post totally sucked. I am still so sick and can’t even see straight, but I love  you for making it this far through the bungling ramble of my words. My next post will be awesome. I promise (all you Wizard of Oz Fans out there).

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