Adventure, Employment, farts, Humor, Life, POOP, Uncategorized

It’s OK to Poop at Work

The other day my feet got wet on the way to work. I had these cheap little Payless shoes on, so, naturally, my feet started to smell. They smelled so badly that I could smell them through a stuffy nose. I ran to the closest shoe store on my lunch break (which just happened to be Payless) and bought some shoes. Now, when I say “some shoes” I mean 4 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of slipper socks and $2 bracelet donation for Breast Cancer awareness. When I spoke to Captain Clam, I only told him how much money I saved. Oops! Of course, I was happy to have had the stinky feet debacle of 2013 while Payless was having a BOGO sale, so the $60 spent was not too shabby for all those things (except now my feet are starting to stink again on their own accord (damn plastic shoes!!)).

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These are them.

As I was leaving the store, I saw this awesome Diner right next door. I am almost positive that the universe would have ended if I did not have a grilled cheese immediately. About an hour or so later, the belly rumbles started. There was simply too much stuff in my belly. The inevitable was about to happen: The Work Poop.

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It moves your bowels.

Oh Man. We have all been there. I previously worked at places that had private bathrooms, where the bathroom was just a small room with a sink and a toilet (and one time, strangely enough, a full bathtub and shower). My new work facilities are three stalls, two poorly working sinks, and a hand blower that produces hurricane force winds.  Sadly, no one actually uses the hand dryer, they use toilet paper, which sometimes (very rarely) leaves the bathroom without any TP under the sink (a catastrophe in wait, if you ask me).

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The smallest stall is for women who are under 4 feet tall. It hurts to use. This stall is usually void of any TP as it the closest to the sink and completely uninhabitable by most of us. Of course, you can make yourself fit with minimal effort, but it’s a little claustrophobic and extremely dark. The door, however is always closed. And since no one uses it, it has become the best pooping stall in the ladies bathroom. The only drawback is the toilet paper issue.

I generally don’t like to poop in public, but will definitely do it and shine as I recount the tale of my bathroom adventure. According to my cousin, Girl Ryan, there is a phobia known as PIP, which is the phobia of Pooping in Public. She has written extensively on her blog HERE about the fear and overcoming it. I have read her post a million times and was shocked to learn that I had been doing some of the things that ALL women do.

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Pooping in public can sometimes feel like this classic scene from “Bridesmaids.”

For instance, I really thought I was the only lady to flush the toilet if I had to poop and someone was in the restroom with me during extreme emergency. I do that at work sometimes if I think someone will come in while the deed is being done. If someone walks in just as the deed is about to be done, I get stage fright and the deed gets pinched. If someone does come in before it happens, I seriously pussy out and leave. No guts, No glory, right?

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Where the magic happens.

When I started dreaming up this post and writing it in my head (where it sounded hilarious and witty), I reached out to That Girl Ryan to ask for a link and her blessing (after all she did write her poop post first). Of course she obliged because we are all interested in getting the message out there, and told me that she has a new poop post in the works. I am so excited for it and hope that this poop post inspires her to get that shit together (so many puns, so little time).

When I was a teen, I worked at the Pancake Cottage in my town (Riverhead, Long Island (the greatest shit hole on earth)). I was lucky enough to work with one of my best friends. We had nicknames that we would call each other (she still calls me Goober to this day). Well, I was really good at making Milkshakes. Whenever anyone ordered a Shake, I was the go-to girl. One (or both) of us  dreamed up the perfect concoction: The Coffee Milkshake, which is self- explanatory (mind you this was the 90’s and frappaccinos had not yet taken off in our small town). I proceeded to make the most deliciously bad ass Coffee Milkshake ever. After exactly 20 minutes and 36 seconds, my dear Ferox and I looked at each other and KNEW that the milkshake was a really bad idea and we were about to pay for our milky sins.

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Instant regret.

I actually had to email her about this story to remember how we handled the Pancake Cottage Coffee Milkshake shit-storm. I needed to know if we both used the bathroom at the same time and flushed the entire time or if we had guarded the door, pretending that it was a single toilet water closet and we were simply waiting in line. Both of these false memories were wrong. According to her memory, we ran the water for each other. How simple (and what great friends we are!)!

I learned a great lesson that day: It’s OK to poop at work.

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Even today, I walked into the ladies room and someone blew that shit up ( I won’t name any names, but it was a small woman  who looks like she smells like apricots and chap-stick made out of sunshine). The bathroom was a fog of farts and residue. It was hard not to tear up from the burning stench, and even harder not to acknowledge this woman’s feat with a high five. It was simply ignored as if there was no awful odor seeping it’s way into the fibers of my clothing. The worst part about this type of work poo is that it’s not yours, but if timed properly, you can and will be blamed for it.

It happens more frequently than I’d like, but I do go into the restroom (to rest, of course) and someone is in there trying to get their business done. I walk in and I can feel them cringe, knowing that I know that they are trying to do the do (sometimes they are also just on their phones, which makes it hard for me to even go number 1, knowing that the party on the other line might hear my tinkle). It’s at that awkward point where people are clearing their throats or fidgeting with the TP that I just want to say” It’s okay to poop!” I really don’t care. We all poop (I’m pretty sure there’s a children’s book about it).

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Awkward for everyone involved…

I have no idea why pooping is so taboo. I mean, if we didn’t poop, we’d die a horrible death. I can understand why farting is funny. It’s loud and sometimes comes out unexpectedly (and it can be so foul that you can’t help but laugh at just how disgusting you are), but pooping? It’s like, “Oh no, she’s totally excreting in this room built for excreting. How dare she!”  You may often feel like if you are discovered, you will be forever shamed for the rest of your term of employment as The Pooper. Why does it have to be like that? Whaaa!!!!

Unfortunately, it is like that. Too bad there is not some noise machine in the bathroom that cancels out all noises or keeps noises restrained to the inside of the stall. Or perhaps mandatory fountains in every bathroom that run loudly enough to muffle the sound of splashes, but gentle enough to relax all the right muscles.

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Just looking at this makes me have to pee so bad!

Air freshener is always a nice commodity for a good cover up, but it’s a dead give-away. My air freshener trick is to spray in a random corner of the bathroom – just a squirt (after you wash your hands of course), then run like a bat out of hell so the fumes don’t stick to you. I advise using the air freshener every time you go. People will be thrown off and will either think you poop every hour or think nothing of it since the bathroom will always be fresh. Suckers!

No matter what happens… Ignore and Deny! Whether or not you are indeed the Pooper or not, just act normal like nothing is wrong or different in the atmosphere. Ignore it. Don’t mention it. People will notice and might follow suit and get over the fact that bodily functions are not put on hold just because you are at work. If someone is like”Damn, Girl!” Just smile and give ’em a High Five (after hand washing, of course).

THIS is a great read for anyone interested in learning how to poop at work effectively.

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Life, Opinion, Rules To Live By

25 Rules to Live By

I’m not religious, but was raised in a fanatical Born-Again Christian environment. I have some sadness having grown up in such a stifling atmosphere, but have always been glad to have gained a moral root system that, at this point, comes naturally to me. I am extraordinarily liberal in my views, and really have no idea how I am a product of such a controlled and manipulative childhood condition.

Every religion has a list of rules. Christianity has the 10 Commandments, Buddhism has the Eight-Fold Path and the Four Noble Truths, and Islam has 38 Prohibitions. I don’t like to think of these lists as rules, but rather a guideline for how to live life.  If you break the rules down they are pretty much telling you not to steal or cheat or lie or idolize, etc, etc…

Now, I am certainly no moral authority, but I have lived what feels like a million lifetimes already, and have generated a list of rules that I aspire to keep. Sometimes the rules are a struggle, and sometimes they are a joy.

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Rule #1: Be Kind 

Ah, yes! The Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s pretty much a “DUH” rule, but you would be surprised at how many rude and awful people there are out there. This rule deals with both empathy for others and karma for yourself. Of course some people take in a “harm or be harmed” approach to life, which is easy to fall into if you are bitter or overly morose. I find that in my own personal life, this is the easiest and most rewarding rule to follow. I suspect that goes for most of us, unless you’re obtuse, then you’re screwed and so are the rest of us.

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Rule #2: Eat Well

This rule sucks. I love pizza and bagels and cheese, which makes Rule #2 one of the harder rules for me to follow. I do my best, however, to intake life’s yummy pleasures by moderating them and I never EVER eat fast food anymore (even though I almost broke down and bought a small French Fry from McDonalds the other day). I have found the more that you eat salad, the more you crave it. Of course if I do eat a salad I tend to offset it with a sprinkle of cheese because somehow it’s easy to rationalize.

Also, avoid sodas and too much juice (unless you make it yourself). Drink water instead. 80% of your body will be happy while the entire 100% will thank you.

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RULE #3: No Spitting

This rule is on here because of something that Captain Clam and I witnessed yesterday while on our commute to our fabulous new jobs. A woman sitting on a subway bench got up in front of us as we were about to pass by and spit (like a huge loogie) onto the train tracks. Yeah, just like that. If you do need to spit, be discrete. Pretend it’s a pee that you really need to take and go hide behind a tree or in a corner. Not all up in my face.

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Rule #4: Be Generous

It is better to give than receive, yes? Yes! I love Christmas because I get to give people things that I want them to have. Of course, they want me to have socks and other oddities, but I am happy to receive these items. Of course, I totally one-up them with a handmade picture frame or a sweet ass bonsai tree that is older than I am. In some ways being generous also makes me feel selfish, since it is my goal to give you a better gift than you give to me.

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Rule #5: Be Honest

Growing up I was taught that “honesty is the best policy.”  Sadly, it really didn’t matter if I lied or told the truth – I always got in trouble regardless.  At a certain point, I figured if I came clean, then the punishment wouldn’t be so bad. Looking back I realize that lies lead to more lies, and that is just no good in the long run.

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Rule #6: Get a Pet

Pets make life so much better and serve as a great replacement for children or a training tool for becoming a parent. They take away stress and anxiety and are faithful friends for as many years as they can carry. A Sub-Rule to Rule #6 is that you should give your pet a unique or funny name.  You should also give your pets nicknames that suit their personalities. They are fuzzy children, so treat them that way.

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Rule #7: Wipe the Seat

If you pee on the seat, wipe it off. People will be more likely not to pee on the seat if it is already clean because then it is safe to sit on. Plus, it’s gross if you don’t, especially if it’s in your own bathroom.

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Image courtesy of Leigh Kosloski.

Rule #8: Write Letters

There are only a few things that are more awesome than receiving a letter in someone’s own handwriting. In this age of technology, it’s acceptable to be informal with email and private messaging. Send a letter every once in a while, it will do good for your soul and brighten the day of the recipient. Plus it will help the Postal Service stay in business for just a little longer. You also get to exercise handwriting skills. When is that last time you wrote in script? Do you even know how to anymore? It’s almost like a foreign language. Maybe you should learn it (and send me a damn snail mail already)!

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Rule #9: Cry

It’s okay to cry. It’s actually healthy. A Sad movie or YouTube video can trigger the waterworks, so let it. Don’t hold it in. It will make your brain happy.

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Rule #10: Drink Beer

This is another one of those rules that I have no problem imbibing by (did you see my attempt at a very clever pun?). Beer has nutritional value, and, if indulged in moderation, will have excellent effects to your health and overall mood. Don’t believe me? Check it HERE.

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Rule #11: Bathe Daily

Unless you are camping out in the woods, this should be followed religiously. Do I need to say more?

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Rule #12: Talk to Strangers

Unless you are under the age of 14, Stranger Danger shouldn’t be as serious as it was when you were 6. Of course always beware of people you don’t know (as well as some people you do know). Saying Good Morning to a stranger is not only going to make you feel good, but may change the course of someone else’s day.

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Rule #13: Be on Time

If you know me at all then you know that this rule is a constant struggle for me. In recent history I have greatly improved my statistics for being on time, which means showing up exactly at 8 am for work, or catching the train or bus needed to get to my hosts in other counties / states at the exact time they expect my arrival. Being on time is important. It shows that you are reliable and dilligent. Be that. And get a Mickey Mouse watch, because they are simply awesome.

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Rule #14: Be Fearless

My High School varsity basketball coach would always tell me “Have ice in your veins.” What a pep talk! I would get back out on the court with the strength and honor of a thousand buffalo. Yay!

Have you ever wondered what is there really to be afraid of? I try to consider my biggest fear to be myself. I really don’t have any idea what we, as humans, are capable of. Fearing the unknown is a trait that has been learned. I once read an article about a woman who has no amygdala (read HERE), which makes her immune to fear. If only we could learn to control the fear “juice” and extend ourselves beyond the unknown, then we would be limitless, and truly fearless. For now I will just settle for overcoming a fear of Spiders (a fear that my silly ex-boyfriend gave to me). In reality, they aren’t so bad.

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 Rule #15: Try

Another one of my High School mentors was my Chorus teacher. He once gave a short lecture on the word TRY and related it to music as well as life. If you don’t make an effort, then your heart is not really in whatever it is you are doing. If you are passionate about what you are doing, then why not exhaust yourself doing it?

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Rule #16: Stick up for Yourself

This one might be an obvious one, but for me it is certainly a struggle. I am a huge fan of passive aggression and try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I am, however, working on toughening up my skin and have learned that I don’t have to take shit from anybody. In fact, I am learning to give shit back where shit is due.

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Rule #17: Be Happy in Your Work

You will spend most of your life working. Sometimes all you work for is for a paycheck. Sadly, when most of your life is spent simply earning a check, your life will not be a happy one. A paycheck does not determine happiness. Happiness determines happiness.

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Rule #18: Help Others

Holding a door for your neighbor who is carrying a shit load of groceries or helping a stranger with a baby stroller climb the stairs will restore a sense of goodness in humanity as well as make both you and that other person a little more grateful for being alive. Have you ever fed the homeless? Or even played basketball with a friends kid? Helping others is another way to help yourself. We should all learn to do it naturally.

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Rule #20: Call your Mom

Moms worry and they want to hear from you. And when you actually go and see your mom, bring her flowers. She has most certainly earned them.

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Rule #21: Don’t Stare

If you are going to stare, then make it a point not to get caught.

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Rule #22: Watch Less TV

There is a real world out there. I will never understand how people spend their time watching someone else’s life on a reality TV show. Don’t you have your own life to live? TV should be treated like beer: Indulge in moderation.

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Rule #23: Don’t be Wasteful

Your old food can go a long way. Share with nature. Start a mulch pile. Make a bird feeder. Plant a flower garden. There are many ways to “feed the ducks” and it starts with you being environmentally responsible.

Captain Clam grew up on a farm in Wisconsin. He taught me so many things that have changed my perspective on being (even just a little bit) green. We toss old coffee grinds and egg shells in our outside planters (which is really good for the plants, by the way). We use tupperware and wash our zip-lock bags for re-use. We pack our recyclables in separate bags so building management can sort them more efficiently (or the can collectors don’t tear through the bags in haste, causing a nasty, dirty scene on the sidewalk). We use canvas shopping bags and any plastic bags are used for garbage liners or art projects.

Imagine if everyone did stuff like this? Be aware of nature and don’t take it for granted.

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Rule #24: Love

If you truly love, let it be frivolous. Everyone needs love, and if you give love, it will most certainly be returned to you.

I love you.

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Rule #25: Break the Rules

I know, I know. This is a list of rules to follow and the last rule is to break the rules. Obviously some rules are ridiculously dumb and are meant to be broken.  And when you do break a rule, there is some sense of independence and defiance that is completely satisfying. You should always question any rule and play the devil’s advocate, even if you are not the devil. Always question everything. There is no reason anyone should ever tell you how to live your life.

This list was a lot longer when I first started writing. Most of the rules coincided with each other, so it was easy to edit in some ways, and harder to edit in other ways. Some of these items are obvious and already imbedded in our character, and yet some are a struggle or a personal goal that reflects the person we want to one day be. I am not always right, although in my mind I am hardly ever wrong. But when I am wrong, I know it.

My personal take on rules to live by is one of poetic and philosophical gesture. I can sum it up by telling you that you don’t need a book or religion to tell you what to do. You tell yourself what to do as you are your own maker. There are no actual “Rules to Live By” and while some people believe that certain rules are written in stone (literally (just google “Moses”)), there is no such thing. Your set of rules will differ from everyone else’s, but as long as you live a good life (or at least give it your best effort), you will be golden.

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Adventure, farts

I Like Farts

It’s true. We all love farts. And if you don’t like farts, then you are a fucking liar.

A good friend recently Facebook messaged me, asking if I had ever farted so smelly that it was like something had died inside of my bowels. Of course we have all been there. I answered back with, “Yes. It will be so bad that it actually is impressive.” Then about 10 minutes later messaged her to let her know how proud of myself I was for just doing what she had mentioned.

I am shameless (most of the time). I can talk about anything, and definitely don’t mind talking about poo or pee or other bodily functions. I’m okay with all of that to the point that my friends know they can talk about it (they even call me out on it when I don’t realize I am talking about it). Of course I keep my own bodily functions inside (pun), and always give a good bathroom freshening when I am done using (or abusing) it.

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And my Best Friend sent me this today, Aug 5, 2013. Just goes to show this blog is straight up legit… and so are my friends.

Bathroom humor has been around for ages. I’d like to think that bodily function jokes were one of the original “things” to ever laugh about. I mean, every living creature does it. Hell, dogs get to do it in public. Why is it okay for a dog to pee in public, but humans can’t find relief in a dark alley in an emergency situation? Totally not fair.

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Another beauty sent to me this past week. Ahhh My friends know me so well!

Whenever I go to a concert I visit is the toilet immediately. I grab extra toilet paper to ensure a semi-hygenic visit at the end of the show. Whether or not I use the portable bathrooms or the cleaner environment of the woods or parking lot, I am wiping with a clean piece of tissue. If you are “Shit out of Luck”, you can always take a piece of paper, crumple the hell out of it to make it soft, and use that for wiping.

You might be wondering why I am talking about all this nasty stuff (that’s totally natural, by the way). Well, Captain Clam and I just purchased a ridiculous amount of sushi and I threw it all up. By “all of it,” I mean, ALL of it. A total waste on my part, but maybe it was bad? The Clam feels great, but he’s a clam and used to seafood. Clams will eat anything! So, we really have no idea.

Anyway, back to poop.

What do you do when you can’t poop? Captain Clam believes in coffee and cigarettes, but gives me prunes, which I love, but I have grown an immunity to them. It’s all rather tragic. My secret is to relax the muscles and jog in place a little bit. That somehow does the trick 99% of the time.The other 1% I just cry and bloat and eat a bunch of fruit.

I recently purchased a huge box of Epsom Salts, because I love to take baths and ran out of my fancy Israeli bath salts (not the hallucinogenic kind that turn you into a flesh eating zombie). I was reading the box for all of the amazing things you can use Epsom Salts for, and apparently you can make an elixir for constipation. How wonderful!

On a  side note, I recently cut the shit out of my finger whilst “fixing” then fan. I took an Epsom Salts bath a few days later, and within 24 hours the cut on my finger was significantly healed. I was balls-out completely amazed, so I took another bath with comparable results. This mineral bath is the shit! Yay!

Back to fun, gross stuff.

Did you know that asparagus is really good for your urinary tract? It actually makes your pee smell, but that means it’s working! Beets are good for your liver and will actually turn your pee red! In most cases, I’d be freaked, but it’s normal to experience multi colored urine while under the influence of specific vegetables. Fruits also help with certain male functions… All I’m gonna say is, “Gentlemen, eat pineapples.”

There are lots of gross things. Like, cleaning your feet and toes. I could sit here for hours and pick the cuticles from my toenails since I am too broke to get a pedicure (well, not with the Clam working full time recently, the first thing I am going to do is get my feet did!). There are things that we women do to our bodies that we can’t even talk about (well, I can!).

Seriously, when is the last time you cleaned your belly button?

And when was the last time you talked about your body with a good friend? You’d be surprised at how much fun it could be, or what you can discover about the human apparatus. Sometimes you can mention one little thing, and BOOM, you have discovered that you are actually sick and maybe on the road to some sort of disease (goodness gracious, I hope not!). I know talking about poop and other stuff might make it hard to be the self righteous and “Proper” people who belong to humanity, but just get over it. We all fart. We all shit.  We all pee and we certainly all get sick. My grandmother died of breast cancer because it used to be “taboo” to talk about such things. I mourn her everyday. What a loss to the world! And what a ridiculous life for my Grandma Sophie to live! You should NEVER be ashamed of yourself, especially in sickness.

And sometimes, we’ll shit all over ourselves. If you have never shit your pants, then you are not even human. We have all done it and surely remember it. Even in a thong. Yup, I went there.

There is no shame in being human.

Dear friends. I love you, and you know this. Take care of yourselves and mind your poo. Talk about it. Pay attention. Most people only notice their poo when it’s not moving. Well, get some Epson Salts and get your shit together (um, literally). And for goodness sake, clean your belly button and behind your ears. Seriously, when is the last time you even thought to do so? Do it for me and you and Captain Clam.

PS. Happy Birthday Linda.

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I hate cats!, I love cats!

Cats: 10 Things to Love & Hate

I love cats. It’s true. I don’t even try to hide it. If I had endless piles of money I’d buy cat themed clothes and a basket for my bike and ride around with hundreds of kittens piled in there. It’s an awesome dream to have.

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MELTING!

Growing up, my parents were dog people. We had a cat in our backyard once, but it showed up covered in shit one day. After that, my dad was mysteriously allergic to cats. Now that all us kids are out of the house, they have two cats and are grossly attached to them. It’s awesome!

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My dad sans allergies and his two babes, Callie and Mimi.

We have four cats. If you ask either of us, we have too many. Captain Clam would say we have three too many and I’d say we have one too many. All in all, Wee is the favorite because he is lazy and doesn’t do anything bad (or good). He just hangs out and snuggles, with an occasional Murrp or a good dry heave. He is a permanent fixture on my feet at night and a big fat lazy lump for the majority of the day. Sometimes he gets going at full speed and runs all over the apartment, raising hell and getting his cardio on. That is very rare. He’s 10.

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Wee dreaming about belly rubs.

Merdok is the mysterious one who is very shy and weird. She’s  an introvert who is completely misunderstood. And she’s funny looking. She’s 11.

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Totally Misunderstood.

Mr. T. is a bitch and gives a mean Stink Eye. She’s all black (even her toenails) and definitely has magical powers. Yes, she is a girl with a boys name. Please get over it. She and Merdok are sisters from the same litter and are both a little crazy. She’s 11.

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Using her Stink Eye to cast a spell on you…

Squirrel is an asshole (but he’s so damn cute!). You can find out more info about him in my previous post Things That Don’t Mix So Good. He’s 2.

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Plotting, as usual.

So, now that you have been introduced to my “kittens,” on with the show… Cats are awesome, but they’re not for everyone. Some people are dog people, and some are cat people. Some people are BOTH dog and cat people… talk about conflict!

It’s ironic, when I started writing this post, I thought I could list a million reasons why I love cats, and even thought I’d struggle to come up with 10 cat behaviors that I hate. It was the opposite! I actually had a hard time (although I do feel put on the spot and picked up one too many hairballs this week as well as the disaster that I will call “7:20 this morning”). I love cats though! But found it easier to come up with things I didn’t like. Damn, I just might be a pessimist after all (Or Captain Clam’s anti-cat stance is rubbing off on me. NOOO!!!)!

So, here we are in no particular order…

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT CATS

1. Cats are SO SOFT!

Oh my Goodness, I love the feel of a good, clean coat on my face or my feet. And they always (usually) smell so good. It’s like a baby bottom covered in mink! Meow!

2. Cats are Natural Hunters

The only time I have ever seen a mouse or a roach in my apartment, it has been dead. Squirrel will even eat bugs because they are so delicious. He likes to run around chasing flies, pouncing and flying around the place like he’s superman! And as a reward, he gets a crunchy piece of protein! YUM!

3. Cats are Curious 

These little buggers always have me laughing. They want to know what every little noise is, or what kind of food I am rustling up and if it’s for them or not (and can they please have some anyway). They want to know what’s going on in the fish tank, and why their reflections can’t be caught. They are even super curious about their tails! Silly cats! They also like to hide in boxes and bags and all squooshed up inside and under things. I am gushing at how cute they are!

4. Cats are Independent

These little jobless orphans can fend for themselves. They don’t actually “need” you. It’s YOU who has to earn THEIR respect. They could really give two shits about how your day went. And if they do care, it’s because they want something or perhaps they do genuinely love you and want you to be happy. I like to think the latter part of that statement is true. All they need from you is to be fed, watered, and have their potty’s cleaned. A little petting from time to time will do. Self righteous bastards!

5. Cats are Ninjas

I once saw Mr. T. jump from the floor to the top of the refrigerator. That was awesome.

6. Cats are Ridiculously Smart

Squirrel can open doors.  See WHAT I HATE ABOUT CATS #8. If a door is completely closed, he will do his best to turn the doorknob, but he’s missing imposable thumbs and has very little patience (unless he’s chasing a fly)! I have been trying to teach him to turn the lights on and off, but he hates me and has no respect for my instruction. I still try.

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Look how smart I am. I wear glasses!

7. Cats are the Best Snugglers 

I was gifted a Snuggie for my birthday one year. That thing is a CAT MAGNET! Merdok loves the Snuggie and immediately wipes out into the most comfortable spot she can find.  Mr. T. is addicted to sleeping on it, and claws at it methodically, turning around a million times until she can settle in comfortably. When I don’t sleep with it, I wake up and she is sleeping on my head. Some nights, if I ignore her, she claws at my hair, making a nest, until I put and arm over her to keep her warm. What a little bitch.

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This snuggie belongs to ME-OW!

8. Cats are Adventurous

How they do love adventure! Whether it’s exploring the deep depths of the closet, or popping four paws onto the fire escape (and ending up on the roof), these little babies love to explore. Wee likes to go out into the hallway and run up the stairs. I usually find him crying one floor up waiting at the door of the apartment that would be ours if he were on the correct floor. Silly goose!

9. Cats Get High

Just say NO to catnip? I don’t think so. All I have to do is shake the container and they all come running for their little piece of heaven. Mr. T. and Merdok like to eat it off their own backs, while Wee likes to roll in it. Squirrel will wait and then find a pile and eat it. Then He and Wee battle to the death. Then they throw up and I send them off to rehab.

10. Cats Purr

This trait is probably the most satisfying. Nothing says I Love You like a warm cuddle and that methodic, comforting hum. prrrrrr……

WHAT I HATE ABOUT CATS

1. Cats Scratch and Destroy Everything in Sight

I can seriously do without the scratching and overall destruction of any and all upholstered property. Even the box spring to my bed is destroyed. It’s not like these little bums are out working to pay for the damages. Plus, they completely ignore the scratching post that I spent 20 bucks on. This is why I can’t have anything nice!

Just this morning I was feeling all cozy and sleepy and I suddenly hear all sorts of crashing and smashing and frantic little feet. I get up and see that Squirrel has gone nuts and thrown the keyboard and mouse on the floor and managed to knock over the biggest plant in the apartment. There is dirt everywhere and the plant is all but destroyed, and Merdok is investigating and getting ready to pee in the pile of soil! So, I spray her with a water bottle (they LOVE that!) and get to cleaning up. I sweep the mess, and grab the vacuum. I wonder if 7:20 am is too early to vacuum… I do it anyway (since it’ll be quick). The vacuum belt breaks. Yay!

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In another 7:20am disaster, Squirrel smashed this tank on the floor and ate half of our fish, Bert Reynolds. RIP.

2. Cats Poop and Pee Way Too Much

Cats come potty trained. Both a blessing and a curse, it’s just plain gross to clean up piss and shit that is not my own. Captain Clam and I are always at odds on exactly whose turn it is to do the litter box. And with four cats, that’s a lot of excrement. Squirrel likes to be the first to go in there and refuses to cover his turds up. So as soon as the box is so fresh and so clean, he ruins it for everyone. Then there is the problem of litter being tracked everywhere. From time to time I find a kernel in my bed. Gross!

I wish I could teach them to go in the toilet. I had a girlfriend who was trying to train her cats to use the bathroom, but she forgot about it in the middle of the night and peed in the toilet training litter pan. Bah! Have you ever peed in a litter box? I have, and it’s not pretty.

3. Cats Put their Asshole in (and sometimes ON) your Face

It’s a sign that “they like you.” Oh yeah? Not cool! The best way to get them to move is to blow on it. They don’t seem to like that. I was once cat sitting for my parents. Mimi, their big huge cat, LOVES me. She loves me so much that when I was sleeping she actually went to sleep on my chest with her asshole resting directly on my cheek. Like, there was asshole to cheek contact! My boyfriend at the time didn’t do anything…. except take pictures. He is now an ex. In hindsight, that was pretty funny, and I’m sure I would have done the same thing.

4. Cats Vomit Constantly

At least twice a week I am cleaning up vomit. Whether or not it’s food from a sour belly or a gross hairball that looks like a doo doo log or remnants of a plant that I used to have, it is a constant reminder that cats can’t digest their own hair or copius amounts of food or plant material (although they can digest popped balloons and hair ties and little pieces of shrimp that they steal off my plate when I’m not looking).

5. Cats Can Lick Their Own Butts

Why are you licking your asshole on my bed? And cleaning your toes? Ew. That is one talent that I am not jealous of!

6. Cats are Mega-Hairy

I can’t even begin to describe the amount of hair that four cats generate. I sweep at least once a week, and the pile that accumulates is unbelievable. You’d think that I have never swept a day in my life. Plus, it falls everywhere. I literally have to move every piece of furniture to get the little hair bunnies behind them. I have opted to using the vacuum hose, it’s a little less work and tortures the little bastards (and now that my vacuum is broken, the hose is my only option).

7.  Cats are Selfish

They have no problem waking you up at 4am crying for no damn reason. They truly believe that everything belongs to them. Like, my bed, or the pile of clothing ready for laundry. Or the clean clothes that I just took out of the dryer and am busy folding and organizing. They also like to sit in front of the computer or lay across my laptop when I am blog storming. There is a cat crawling over my shoulder right now, crying in the ear. Why? I don’t think she even knows why.

Oh good, and now she’s back on the bed, resting on my pillow, licking her asshole. Nice.

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Oh, this warm laundry must be for us to sleep on.

8. Cats are Secret Agents

What a bad attitude some cats have. I mean- the nerve! I am constantly getting the stink eye, being watched and followed. Captain Clam and I seriously can’t go to the bathroom without being followed, and usually harassed. Squirrel will bust the door down just to see what is going on in the bathroom, demanding belly rubs. Wee will come in to see what’s up, scratch around on the little rug in there, and then be on his way. Mr. T. will come in, cry a little, pretend like she’s going to get close enough for a head rub, change her mind and leave. Um, can I just go to the bathroom in peace? We all know how YOU feel when I watch YOU go to the bathroom. Shame Shame Shame!

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I hate it when my human watches me poop.

9. Cats are Scaredy Cats

Captain Clam and I had house guests for a week. Squirrel spent the entire time hiding in the bathtub. Merdok hid in the closet. Mr. T. hid in plain sight, under a lamp, collecting dust. They would alternate hiding spots all week, even though no one really cared that they existed. They are scared of the doorbell, the vacuum, the toilet flushing, thunder, sneezing and coughing, people, and especially babies (like a baby is scary!).

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OMG! Do you think that terrifying baby can see me?

10. Cats Eat Anything

Especially plants. The nice ones (bamboo especially). Even the ones on the fire escape. As if marigold leaves are just plain delicious! Wee likes to eat cobwebs and the cambric fabric underneath the chairs. Like, seriously? What the hell is wrong with you? Does that even taste good? There is nothing they will not eat, except mozzarella cheese. They don’t seem to like that (it’s ok, more for me!).

Click HERE to see Mr. T. eating a plant!  

So there we have it. I feel bad because it looks like I hate cats when I actually love them. I think the pros outweigh the cons for me, so it makes sense to be in love with a selfish, narcissistic, neurotic, lazy ball of plant destroying fur. Sadly, even some of the things I hate about cats I actually also love about them, too. Like, it’s kinda cute to find Squirrel hiding in the bathtub, although the amount of hair clogging the drain is unreasonable (but he’s a jerk and I’m certain he does that on purpose). I can do without the asshole licking in your face thing though. That’s just plain gross.

So, to Mr. T., Wee, Merdok, and even Squirrel, I love you.

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