Adventure, Dogs, Family, FUN!, Life, Memory Lane, New York City, Opinion, Overload, Photo Blog, Resolution, Road Trip, small joy, Social Media, South Bronx

The Hiatus

Thank the fucking stars that winter is, at last, over. For the most part, so is Spring. Although Springtime in New York City is generally a week of really great weather followed by either cold and rainy weather or hot and humid days that will never end because your office has yet to turn on the Air Conditioning. I read my last post, dated October 13, 2014, and wonder why the hell I was ever so excited for the end of summer 2014. I must also apologize, once again, for my absence. I had a few complaints from friends and their mom’s wondering if I might be dead. I am not dead, although after the past few cold, cold months, I feel a little corpse-like. With June upon us now I am basking in the hot, humid sun, getting ready to complain about different awful weather.

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I am cold just looking at this.

So, what have I been up to? October was an amazing month of visitors and travel. I stuck my feet in the Pacific Ocean as well as the Gulf of Mexico (both destination wedding related). Captain Clam and I visited 5 airports in the span of 10 days that month. We were exhausted and happy from adventure and catching up with old friends and family. Plus, I got to see Northern California, and I cannot wait to get back!

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Pacific Coast Highway

November was another month of bustle, traveling to Virginia for Thanksgiving, and celebrating my 33rd year. I am getting old. Fuck! Captain Clam and I adopted a foster dog, Nena, who slowly made us realize that we don’t want a dog, or probably children… eek!

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Hey! Watch your hands buddy!

December was a little more peaceful. We celebrated at home and cooked for about 13 friends on Christmas Day. We invented Bronx Fries, which is just essentially asparagus wrapped in bacon and scorched with garlic. We spent the New Year in my old Loft building with my good Friend Paul and his girlfriend, Ebonie.

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An extremely accurate representation of Ebonie & Paul from the Guest Book.

January is a month that I have forgotten most of. All I can remember was my New Year Resolution of replacing my mascara tube, which I have managed to procrastinate for 5 1/2 months. February is the worst month of them all, and this winter really gave it to us. If the temperature was above 20 degrees, I experience some sort of relief, like maybe I didn’t need to bundle up so much. But then the wind would blow and I’d immediately regret not wearing a butt scarf (essentially just a scarf that is tied around the butt).

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The First Day of Spring 2015, New York City.

At some point, we were able to find a home for a little kitten that our neighbor found. She had been smashed up a bit and needed some serious snuggling. Our friend Josh, who is the biggest softy ever, came by in the middle of the night, serenaded her with music on a broken guitar, and fell in love. He took her home that night and named her Prudence.

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Contrary to popular belief, Captain Clam and I are NOT an animal rescue!

During the winter, I became bored and switched my instagram name a zillion times. I settled on CommutersOnTheGreenLine, and have dedicated the majority of my posts to stalking strangers on the 4, 5, and 6 trains. Follow Me!

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February 19, 2015

In early March, I found myself shopping for a dress for an old friend’s funeral. That sucked more than I ever thought anything ever could possibly suck. The joy of March was driving down to MD to drop off the foster dog to her new owner, Rich. We (and by “we” I mean “the kitties”) finally regained control over the apartment. Hooray! We were also blessed with a trip to Wisconsin to visit the Captain’s Family Farm and B&B for his dad’s 70th Birthday. If you are ever in Wisconsin, in the little town of La Farge, please stop in and visit Trillium Cottage B&B. It is one of the most magical places I have ever been to and I can’t wait to get back there (they have miniature donkeys!).

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See? Magic!

May proved to be the busiest month yet, with almost every weekend spent out of town. Captain Clam and I went to Long Island for Mother’s Day and a spectacular family reunion where both of my sisters and their kids (and husbands) were gathered in one place, talking loudly with intense accents. At one point my dad pulled us aside and told us that my mom hasn’t looked this happy in a long time. I looked over to see her playing monkey in the middle with two of my nephews. She was giggling in her usual tickled fashion and was completely kicking their little butts at the game. She was genuinely, unabashedly happy.

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That is one Happy Momma!

The following weekend, one of my Best Pals since forever got married in Baltimore, so we road tripped out there and Airbnb’d it 2 blocks from where the Baltimore riots had taken place a few weeks earlier (Captain Clam and I are gluttons for adventure). Of course I cried at the wedding because I am a wimp, but Elyse BFF was certainly the prettiest bride since Cleopatra married Mark Anthony (or since J-Lo Married Marc Anthony…).

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Meet the Meyers!

I would also like to take this time to brag about what a hunk my Clam is in a suit!

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The cutest clam in town!

Memorial Day Weekend was spent in the woods camping at Clarence Fahnestock State Park, as an early Birthday Gift to the Clam. He’ll be 32 in a few weeks! The last weekend was spent prepping for a Jumble Sale that we have been organizing with some friends in our Community, presented by the South Bronx Yard Exchange and hosted by the Mott Haven Bar. The Sale coincides with the Mott Haven’s killer Brunch, so feel free to come by for the sale (June 6 & 7) and stay for some Eggs Benedict and Bloody Mary Specials!

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Subliminal Message.

So, what’s coming up for these summer months? Well, June is filling up with the Jumble Sale, Shakespeare in the Park, Groupons for a Yankees Game, Clam’s Birthday, an illegal rooftop garden, and a bunch of other blog posts that I have had in the works for a very long time. As promised, Like a Truck Driver is set to be published within the next week or so, and I am working on another gem The Noise Hole to keep you entertained while you are supposed to be doing paper work or checking emails at your boring job. Early July boasts an epic camping trip in New Hampshire and Acadia Nation Park in Maine, so that should keep my brain from exploding for a little bit longer. Stay tuned!

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By Definition, Change, Opinion, Shakespeare, Social Media, The English Language, Twerk, Vocabulary, Words

I Doth Protest!

All I can say is… Holy Miley Cyrus. The entire week following the VMA’s should have just been dedicated to her and that ridiculous performance and all the meme’s that followed on our beloved social media sites.  And if her parents weren’t proud of her after all that unnecessary crudeness, they must be now since she also contributed a new word to the dictionary in honor of a sinking generation. Twerk. Awesome. Let’s try it in a sentence, shall we? I wish that twerk wasn’t a word. Done.

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Long gone are the days of taking old words and finding new meanings for them. God forbid anyone under the age of 22 learns a vocabulary word, how to spell it, and how to change it so that it takes on a new meaning that retains part of it’s old meaning… Like the word “Grinding,” which can be associated to a dance move that is very similar, if not the same, as twerking. One of my favorite words that was recycled to express a dance move is “swerve.” I used to confuse it with “swivel, ” but then realized that the swivel was my own personal dance style, and was not even closely related to the elegance of the swerve. But I digress.

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Swerve or Swivel?

Now, as you can tell, I love to write do my best to abide by the laws of grammar and punctuation (and gravity), but the additions and constant changes to the acceptable English Language Dictionary are out of control. Recent additions to the dictionary include: Selfie, Phablet, Squee, Srsly (seriously?), Buzzworthy (isn’t that 2 words?), and unlike (Check out the tragedy HERE). I’m pretty sure the hard core Scrabble gamers are very excited for the extra help, but I am feeling a little less complete these days (although am strangely okay with “unlike” as it seems like a natural progression in the scheme of life and I wonder why it was not added sooner).

Where do we draw the line? At BYOD (Bring Your Own Device)? Can we just have an acronym of internet language dictionary? I’d be okay with that. I’d be okay with a slang dictionary, too… or even one huge book of words with sections for sophisticated, slang, and acronym/internet languages.

A brief history in the English language tells me that the Oxford Dictionary has had “the last word on words” for over 100 years, so they must know exactly what they are doing, right? Wait, what ARE they doing? I do not love you right now!

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See what I just did right there?

Granted, I understand the importance of reflecting word usage of the time, but the new changes and additions do not reflect a major demographic of the English Speaking world as it stands today. I would like to think that the digital world we live in does some sort of history keeping for the age, as quickly as it passes in the digital time zone that lives in and beyond the universe.

I am not against the addition of words that are in common use. BUT words that are just two words placed together or are words that already exist but are missing a vowel… these are not words! They are words that are misspelled. I cannot agree with the addition of these aborted words to the official book of words. An extra space is not going to kill you, friends! Even on twitter, people know what you mean if you need to leave a vowel or a space out. They don’t need a dictionary definition to make sure you are saying what they think you might be saying.

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#Srsly?

Perhaps this is where the line is drawn between New English and New Old English? Maybe. I came across the UrbanDictionary.com definition of “twerk”, which defines it as being “The rhythmic gyrating of the lower fleshy extremities in a lascivious manner with the intent to elicit sexual arousal or laughter in ones intended audience” (You can check that out HERE). Can someone tell me why the definition of the word is way more sophisticated than the word itself? And why has my spellcheck not been updated yet? Oh, because twerk is a made up word. It’s pure Jabberwocky (a word which does meet my spell check standards, by the way).

Another recent change to the English Language is the word “literally,” which no longer leans literally, but has transformed into “figuratively.” Is this George Orwell’s 1984, where Love is Hate and War is Peace? Has a word that has been overly exaggerated for so long now become the exact opposite of it’s meaning? And how long will it take to regain its literal meaning (read more HERE)?

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My brain hurts.

In Shakespeare’s day, he invented well over 1500 words, which include glorious gems such as, lonely, obscene, addiction, bedazzled (what!?), fashionable, radiance, and drugged (the list continues HERE if you’re interested is anything that is sacred).

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Even if this is the case….

Now, did he really invent these words, or were they obscurely used during his day? Did the local harlot coin the word “arouse” during a sexy performance to bend men to her will? I don’t know, but I am confident that “twerking” is not a piece of poetry (and certainly not one that is in motion). Now, this last statement is not meant to discount Miley as a poet. I mean, “Wrecking Ball” really does touch the inside of my soul. Literally.

Miley Cyrus is certainly no Shakespeare, and I hate to reference her, Shakespeare, and George Orwell in the same essay. I am ashamed and I apologize to my more serious readers (do you even exist anymore? Oh, there you are… the only one’s still here!).

Question: Did Miley Cyrus even invent “twerking”? Because I’m pretty sure that there was a lot of that going on when I was in middle school, except us kids did it at the Community Center Dances, or in basements at house parties… not on National TV in front of babies and moms and people who (well, maybe used to) respect us. And I’m positive that my dad would have beaten the shit out of me if he ever saw me doing that at all, especially while wearing flesh colored plastic booty shorts grinding on a full grown son of the Dad from Growing Pains.

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Oh Please. We were doing this shit in the 90’s…

Somehow, she gave a new name to “grinding” and wrote a song about it, making it a raunchier display of rebellion than I remember. Somehow giving “twerk” an official meaning in the English Language seems like a reward for bad behavior. Just sayin’ (hey, we should add that term to the dictionary).

Seriously, what is happening to the English language? Are we becoming so intelligent that we need to add more words to our language because of all the hard and thoughtful thinking taking place? Or are we adding more words to the language because it needs to be dumbed down enough to help this lost generation? A generation that is too busy to open “them readin’ books” because they are devouring video games, streaming movies, and tweeting on their iPhones.

So dear English speakers and readers, I submit to you my word for review in next years Dictonary Edition:

Douche-Baguette:

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Is she about to vomit? Oh no wait, that’s me.

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Drink, Social Media

I was Drunk when I Wrote This

*Disclaimer: I am not currently drunk while writing this post. I am sitting on the floor drinking Keystone Light Beer (Always Smooth, apparently), which is merely beer flavored water. I may eventually peel myself up from the floor and have another, but this is a well thought out, sober induced, half researched blog post that I hope will be my best yet. So, please enjoy responsibly and take heed, fellow drinkers!

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CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!

Drinking and socializing have gone hand and hand since, well, forever… which means that drinking, socializing, and very poor decisions have also gone hand in hand in hand for the same period of time. What a messy three-way!

Overindulgence is sometimes unavoidable, like if it’s a baby’s first birthday party or your friends wedding in Vineland (Bumble-Fuck), New Jersey. You can’t always be sure WHAT is going to happen, especially if you and your friends are absolutely out of your minds to begin with.

There are many different types of “drunk” that exist. Please read below for my full synopsis, as I trust you will. Please note that I left out that person who always lets you know that they are drunk (Oh My God, I am SOOOOOO drunk right now!). It’s annoying. We all do it from time to time, so just beware.

Sad Drunk – Now, sad drunks aren’t always sad. They can be people who just have adverse reactions to red wine and think that John Denver’s “Back Home Again” is just so damn moving. It really is (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJUnnnXg_oY ), but I’m not crying about it (not yet, anyway!)! Get a grip! Stop listening to that sappy country folk music for the remainder of your wine binge, and listen to something you can dance to. Dancing is way more fun than crying and releases the same chemicals. DUH!

Then there is the sad drunk who is completely inconsolable. Their loved one left them or perhaps a family member passed away. They need to be out of their apartments so their sorrows don’t suffocate them, but they are totally killing the buzz. So… you drink a gallon of wine with them and join in the sympathy party (Gosh, you are such a good friend). Lesson learned: Sad people should not drink wine, unless everyone is ready to be supportive and you are in a living room with a good girl movie and pounds of food.

Angry Drunk – This isn’t always that tough guy trying to prove he’s got muscles and mega testosterone. This is sometimes that sassy bitch who just needs to fight a lawn chair at a Bennigan’s because she’s just plain angry. Maybe she was accused of trying to leave the bar without paying, even though she was just going out to smoke and find her pal who was smoking and making friends outside. I mean really, not all angry people drinking are trying to be angry drunk. It’s a strange balance, but when you are off kilter even just a little, madness will make haste.

Cocky Drunk – This is that guy who knows everything and has so many jokes that are offensive and annoying and the only way to actually like him is to be equally as drunk and cocky yourself. These conversations will last for hours and offend everyone else in the area… mostly because those people are tight ass pricks. Am I right?

Sexy Drunk – This is when you are so drunk you have no idea what is going on. This is not sexy at all, but YOU think that YOU”RE so sexy. This can be applied to both sexes, but I think women are more prone to this typecast since they spend so much time getting ready and are generally prettier than men. Men are just desperate. Either way: GROSS!

Happy Drunk  – This is the best type of drunk (if that phrase even exists or is ever appropriate). I like to think this kind of drunk isn’t even “drunk”… maybe more of a tipsy spirit who is just ready to let loose, tell mad jokes and dance a bit, laughing and carrying the crowd’s energy on their shoulders. They never have too many drinks and are the one’s holding back someone’s hair in the bathroom, fetching water, and comforting the sad drunks (see above). They are loved by everyone, even if they are fat or ugly, and leave an excellent rep in their wake (unless you are an angry drunk, then you hate them because YOU HATE EVERYTHING!!!!).

TMI Drunk – This is the drunk who is not funny, not boring, but just is. They want to tell you everything about everything and leech onto you like you wanted a leech as a pet. They are not liked, nor are they hated, They are just drunk and should go home and get an exciting hobby that isn’t dull to talk about at a bar. Maybe they need a cat or something.

Now that we have covered all the types of drunk that exist for the purpose of this blog post, there are a variety of social outlets that can be applied to the personalities of drunkenness. Most areas covered in this post will be digital, but it’s important to address personal interaction. We all hang out with other people, obviously, and that generally leads to going home intoxicated and then doing stupid shit on the computer machine or cellular telephone device.

And here is the breakdown for your pleasure.

SKYPE ME!

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Drunk Skyping (even at 4:44 am on a Wednesday) is okay, as long as it’s mutual and not a job interview. You can even Skype with cats! Yay! Online dates should maybe start out sober and then progress with a few drinks, but be careful. It’s easy to fall into one of the typecasts above if overindulgence occurs (don’t take my word for it, I date in analog).

FACEBOOK ME?

This is the most detrimental part of a social media online reputation. I mean, who doesn’t have a facebook? Oh right, people not worth being friends with (Wow, that was a joke. Sorry.) This is not the place to be drunk posting or messaging. I, myself have been called out on it, and all I asked was “how are you.’ Of course, it was 3:36am. My bad.

Here are examples of what might be posted by each of our typecast drunks:

Sad Drunk: My heart is broken. 😦  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2Rch6WvPJE

OR:

Thinking of you, Old Friend:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x3FixiNdni0

Angry Drunk: OH EMMM GEEEEE! You thnk I’m tslking bout you but I’m not. Not everything is about you! Get over yourslef! (Typos are for effect only).

Cocky Drunk: Ramma Jamma, my ninja! Crackin’ Bottles and shit. Still at da club!

Sexy Drunk: Totally random selfie (at 4am)!

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DRUNK!

Happy Drunk: I wish I could pet you… and a zebra. Brunch tomorrow?

TMI Drunk: All this person would post would be 1 million Shared links from Friends Posts (mostly pictures of cats), Buzz Feed, and I Fucking Love Science.

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I NEED THIS IN MY LIFE!

TWITTER OF THE THUMBS

Now, with Twitter it isn’t as easy to tell the level of drunk, since It’s okay to misspell or abbreviate things. Plus, twitter can actually be somewhat anonymous and it’s always ticking away, so a tweet at 4am may not be scrutinized as closely.

Examples as follows:

Sad drunk: #Wishing the #stars would stop falling from the sky. #WishUponaStar #ImissYou http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNIPqafd4As

OR

#OMG, have you seen this #Video? So #Moving! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nAcgBf-JJFk

Angry Drunk: Fuck you @Diddy YOU SUCK because I said so! GHAAAA!!!!!! #IHATEYOU

Cocky Drunk:  Kicking #AlexTrebek’s ass in #TrivualPursuit. And I’m #DRUNK!

Sexy Drunk: OMG, I am so hot, I had to take off some clothes! heehee!

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Nice pink phone.

Happy Drunk: Just saw a grandma with an eyebrow ring. I love the universe!

TMI Drunk:

RT @OMGFacts After WWII, a Japanese pilot was made a honorary citizen of an US city he bombed! Details –> http://omgf.ac/ts/gB2 

RT @MarilynMonroe Warning: these pranks may cause severe anger http://bit.ly/1b9GXdE 

OMG BEY! RT @E1i5e Her stage presence slayed me dead to the ground… #beyonce http://instagram.com/p/bIvGxYr7mF/ 

TEXTING, TEXTING 1,2,3…

One time I sent out a mass text to all of my friends. I really thought I was being funny. I wrote “drunk text”. It was awesome and I was so clever. Sadly,  I have done it a few times since then and it has gotten old. I am waiting at least one year to do it again.

Be careful. It’s never okay to drink and text. Especially while driving.

THE NUMBER YOU HAVE REACHED…

Thankfully, drunk phone calls only happen with my friends (oh my god, as far as I know). When I was any of the drunk stereotypes in the past, cell phones were huge Zack Morris – type beasts and I would much rather be alone locked into a “state” in my room listening to Sophie B. Hawkins (As I Lay me Down to Sleep on REPEAT! KILL ME!), Courtney Love, Tonic, Counting Crows, or Live… no matter WHAT mood I was in. Nowadays, It’s a conversation with friends or Captain Clam and they are also usually drunk so we can be our drunken selves and cry and laugh and cheer each other on and be merry.

Just be careful. you can definitely have conversations that you don’t remember, even if you had it from 12am – 4am. Time tends to disappear when infused with the spirits. A good hint is to not drink while you are using the phone. Ha! Like that would ever happen.

EM@IL ME!

Wow. One of the WORST things you can do drunk is send emails. It’s okay to formulate a draft when you are drinking, but don’t hit that send button! And never send a drunk email from your phone! NEVER EVER EVER!

So, now that we have indulged our drunken spirits in the different types of drinking, socializing, and poor choice making, let’s figure out how to solve the problem of ourselves.  I would like to hold the internet responsible for our poor drunk decision making over the past 15 years and propose something called the “Double Goggle Initiative“.

Here is how it works:

Your electronic device works as a “breathalizer”. It is able to determine your drunk typecast based on keywords and a variety of other things based on what has been written. The DoubleGog (as I have affectionately named it) will analyze text based on the following:

Key Words, Content, Curse Words/Bad names, “love” or any other repetitive emotion

Typos and how many times it took to spell a word right

Grammar: Can what you wrote actually be understood?

What is the time based on where you are and the message destination?

Who are you sending this message to?

DoubleGog should ask a variety of questions based on your drunk typecast  (see Above) before authorizing transmission of the message.

Possible questions could be:

How many drinks have you had?

Are you crying?

Do you know what time it is?

Do you realize who you are sending this message to?

Have you actually reviewed this message?

Do you understand what you are saying?

Are you sure you want to send this message?

Are you sure you do not want to sleep on it?

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DENIED, Idiot!

DoubleGog would act as a counselor and friend when all of your other friends are fast asleep or sending their own drunken messages. And if DoubleGog deems that you indeed have no idea what you are doing or are in an emotional state that will not allow you to be rational, you will be denied the right to send the message at that moment in time.

In conclusuon, my dear fellow lushes, Don’t drink and drive, and don’t drink and type unless perchance, you are blogging. And if you really want to see what drunk blogging looks like, read my blog “I Heart Sandwiches.” I’m pretty sure I could have used a DoubleGog intervention on that one.

I love you.

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