joy, Life, Love, poetry, prose, Uncategorized, Words

A Poem For You on This Day

15895417_10154142678482401_1512375991889315426_n

Happy Anniversay To My Love.

 

Your Magnificent Body

 

The half moon is your reflection.

Your face is a mirror that shows others what is in their own souls.

Your hands bear the tasks of a thousand ancestors.

Your shoulders hold the weight of unfolding generations.

You ears keep the whispers of uncounted secrets.

Your feet tread the ground of those who were once warriors.

Your arms cradle the hopes of quiet dread.

Your eyes bear witness to the kind and the evil of this place.

Your knees bend with the weight of untold worry.

Your spine is the column that holds the world.

Stephanie Janecek, 2018

Advertisements
Standard
Death, Family, Love, Memory Lane, This is my Soul, Uncategorized

To The Friend Who Broke Up With Me

goodbye

Dear Former Friend,

Salutations!

I always laugh when I see that word. It reminds me of you and how funny and witty you are. I miss you, but that, just like my feelings for this Charlotte’s Web themed greeting, is fading.

I had always prided our friendship in the fact that no matter where we went, we always came back to each other. It could be months or years, and we would always pick up, judgement free, and laugh and love like no time had ever passed. I know why you broke up with me, and I don’t blame you. You were sick of chasing me around, trying to pin down a date so you could get me to open up and spill my guts to you. And maybe I needed that. What you didn’t know when you texted me those unnerving words, “I am not going to contact you anymore. I love you….” I was already waist deep in heartache.

It had been unbearable to get out of bed in the mornings, and unbearable to step foot inside the apartment at night. The last few months had been spent tip-toeing through life, afraid to wake the beast of a man who I was once madly in love with.

Part of me wanted to see you so badly. I missed you for years. I missed your stories, and that contagious laughter…. all of our silly gossip. Another part of me did not want you to see me like this; fat and distracted, disgusting in my own skin.

I started writing these words over 3 years ago. It took me that long to be able to say these things to you in a passive blog post that I don’t think you will even see. Maybe I don’t want you to see it. Maybe I don’t want you to know how much it hurt to lose you; how much it still hurts when I go through old pictures of us having a dinner party in my mom’s kitchen or some random night out at a karaoke joint. I am sad to have seen this friendship end. Maybe it was supposed to end. Maybe our time together had run the course.

We were friends a lifetime ago, maybe two. I still think about you often, but I don’t miss you anymore. I hope your life is everything you ever wanted it to be. I hope you are happy. I have made new friends, and I also have old friends. I have friends who I have yet to meet. None of these can replace you and I wouldn’t even try. I know I am not totally healed, but I am very close.

Thank you. Thank you for many years of fun friendship. I am sure we both learned a lot from each other and grew into adults in each others care.

I cherish you. Be well.

xoxo

Standard
Cats, Death, I love cats!, Life, Love, Memory Lane, small joy, Uncategorized

Where There is Life

There is a window in my living room that is full of plants. There are at least 15 plants crammed in or near the only window in the main room of the loft space. It may seem like a lot, but in reality, it’s not nearly enough.

199094_10150113728402401_6345691_n

My cat of 16 years recently died. Well, she didn’t die per se, but I was forced with having to make the choice of giving her back to the universe. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. The night before I took her to the vet, I sat with her on the couch and we shared the better part of a rotisserie chicken. She ate until she couldn’t move.

37290150_10155504444572401_7532857554641092608_n

I sat there with her for some time, thinking about the first night she spent in my care. My boyfriend at the time (BAT) and I wanted cats and had certain criteria: I wanted an all-black cat so I could name it “Mr. T” and he wanted 2 cats so one would never be lonely. It was a Sunday and we had been to countless shelters. No one wanted to adopt to us because we were in college. Around closing time, we found this dumpy little pet store in Shirley, NY and they had some cages with kittens, ready to be adopted free with $20 purchase.

And there they were, these two little scared babies – one all black, the other a mottled grey and cream. They were terrified and scratched me until I bled, but I loved them the minute I saw them.

After spending the obligatory $20, the kitties were packed up and took their very first and only trip ever to Walmart. The little babes were a little scared in their carrier, bumping around in the cart, and stayed huddled and quiet, snuggled together in complete fear. About $200 later, as we finished checking out, the store manager came over and kicked us out for having live animals in the store. Dick.

After loading the stuff in the car and checking on the babes, I see that they have peed all over the carrier. We took them out and put them in the backseat so the carrier could be cleaned. Once all tidy, the kittens were gathered to be put back in, but we could only find one. The fucking horror that ensued after realizing the little grey one was missing was incredible, not even 1 hour after getting these creature, we already lost one.

The Walmart security guard came around with flashlights and helped us look for the kitten. After about an hour, it started to rain and we lost all hope. BAT and I went home a little sad with one scared kitten in tow.

The next morning, BAT came in excited and asked me to go out to the car. There, sitting on the dashboard, was the missing grey kitten. I ran inside to grab the black kitten, affectionately named Mr. T, and put her in the car as if to indicate, “Hey, they’re cool, don’t worry.” Well grey kitty was not having it and started to climb into the steering column, which is apparently where she was hiding when we were in the Walmart parking lot and driving home the night before. I felt so bad – we had to pull her out by her tail.

Eventually, she grew to love us, but always stayed a little skittish, earning her the name Merdok, from the hit 80’s show “The A Team.” Merdok was the crazy one. While I was earning my business degree, I’d sit on the bed cross legged on my bed to study and she’d curl up in the space between my knees. She’d do typical cat things, like try to catch my feet under the blankets when I was asleep or come snuggle in the middle of the night. Merdok was notorious for her head butts and could catch you off guard at any moment with a painful punch to the face with her head.

She was very affectionate and always purring. I woke up one night to her little motor running and her face about 3 inches from mine, asking to get under the covers because the roommate had forgotten to pay the oil bill and we had no heat. She was a very good girl for all 16 years of her life.

23517839_10154932286392401_2897082358417075574_n

Towards the end, you could tell she was tired. She slept a lot and starting going to the bathroom on laundry, the rug, the couch…. Her eyes were taking on that glazed, cloudy look and despite having a ferocious appetite, she had dwindled to just 4 pounds. After our last night of chicken gluttony, I slept with her on the sofa and turned most of the lights out. She laid right next to my head, as she has always done, and purred. She put her paw on my third eye as I was drifting off to sleep and my brain started to go crazy. It was a very emotional and spiritual moment to share with a cat, and I am still not sure what to make of it.

Moments before we left for the vet the next day, it started to pour. My sweet friend Ebonie agreed to take me, and she stayed with me for most of the vet visit and took pictures that captured my last moments with my old friend. My last minutes were spent telling her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that I had to let her go. I have never had to put a pet down and I wept as they put her into twilight. At that point I saw that she was already gone and I immediately regretted my decision – not because it was the wrong thing to do, but the guilt was overwhelming. My last words to this tiny little creature were “be good,” which are my parting words to the critters when I leave the house every morning for work. I felt it in my soul when the vet techs administered the dose of euthanasia, pronounced her “passed” and quietly hurried from the room.

37426892_10155510657067401_7939991235639377920_n

Grief does weird things to you – It’s exhausting, and the guilt lingered for days and weeks. Leaving the vet’s office with an empty carrier was a true trial in sadness. I cried spontaneously for a few days, overwhelmed with endless stages of grief. I know Merdok was just a cat, but she was so much more than that to me. She was my companion and confidant. She kept every secret I ever whispered in her little ears. She was unconditional and more genuine that a lot of folks I have met. What I have learned from loss is that life goes on. No matter what, the world keeps on turning and you can’t stay down for too long or life will slip on by.

17903441_10154373771302401_1619226197074395051_n

As hard as losing a pet is, I am already looking forward to my next critter. Carlos, my little monster, is in dire need of a new friend, and I like having at least two little souls in my home. Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the death of Mr. T, which was a very hard loss for me. I have also designated today as Carlos’ birthday, so I am reminded that the time for mourning has passed, and I must celebrate instead.

430126_10150540436382401_864421650_n

Gandhi once wrote, “Where there is love, there is life.” This is why I keep plants all huddled in the window. I keep them pruned and watered and fed with sunlight, dead leaves, and eggshells. I let the cat chew on them and throw them up. I let life be life. I let life fill my home and my heart because where there is life, there is also love.

 

 

 

Standard
Change, Opinion, Rules To Live By, Save The World, Uncategorized

Revisiting 25 Rules to Live By

This post is originally from September 21, 2013 and has been edited.

Every religion has a list of rules. Christianity has the 10 Commandments, Buddhism has the Eight-Fold Path and the Four Noble Truths, and Islam has 38 Prohibitions. I don’t like to think of these lists as rules, but rather a guideline for how to live life.  If you break the rules down they are pretty much telling you not to steal or cheat or lie or idolize, etc, etc…

Now, I am certainly no moral authority, but I have lived what feels like a million lifetimes already, and have generated a list of rules that I aspire to keep. Sometimes the rules are a struggle, and sometimes they are a joy.

images-24

Rule #1: Be Kind 

Ah, yes! The Golden Rule. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” It’s pretty much a “DUH” rule, but you would be surprised at how many rude and awful people there are out there. This rule deals with empathy and compassion for others as well as karma for yourself. Of course some people take in a “harm or be harmed” approach to life, which is easy to fall into if you are bitter or overly morose. I find that in my own personal life, this is the easiest and most rewarding rule to follow. I suspect that goes for most of us, unless you’re obtuse, then you’re screwed and so are the rest of us.

images-25

Rule #2: Eat Well

This rule sucks. I love pizza and bagels and cheese, which makes Rule #2 one of the harder rules for me to follow. I do my best, however, to intake life’s yummy pleasures by moderating them and I hardly EVER eat fast food anymore. I have found the more that you eat salad, the more you crave it. Of course if I do eat a salad I tend to offset it with a sprinkle of cheese because that is easy for me to rationalize.

Also, avoid sodas and too much juice. Drink water instead! 80% of your body will be happy while the entire 100% will thank you. I am also a huge advocate for seltzer water. It’s like soda, but it’s also just water with some bubbs.

images-26

RULE #3: No Spitting

This rule is on here because some of y’all need to be reminded not to be gross. A woman sitting on a subway bench got up in front of me as I was about to pass by and spit (like a huge loogie) onto the train tracks. Yeah, just like that. If you do need to spit, be discrete. Pretend it’s a pee that you really need to take and go hide behind a tree or in a corner. Not all up in my face. Thanks.

overflowing-with-love-300x191

Rule #4: Be Generous

It is better to give than receive, yes? Yes! I love Christmas because I get to give people things that I want them to have. Of course, they want me to have socks and other oddities, but I am happy to receive! Of course, I totally one-up them with a handmade picture frame or a sweet ass bonsai tree that is older than I am, or a Groupon to some amazing adventure they didn’t know about. In some ways being generous also makes me feel selfish, since it is my goal to give you a better gift than you give to me. PS – I always need socks, so thank you very much!

Abraham_Lincoln_November_1863-2

Rule #5: Be Honest

Growing up I was taught that “honesty is the best policy.”  Sadly, it really didn’t matter if I lied or told the truth – I always got in trouble regardless.  I also happen to be an awful liar. At a certain point, I figured if I came clean, then the punishment wouldn’t be so bad. Looking back I realize that lies lead to more lies, and that is just no good in the long run.

251px-Harvey-squircle-3

Rule #6: Get a Pet

Pets make life so much better and serve as wonderful companions. They take away stress and anxiety and are faithful friends for as many years as they can carry. HERE is a great article on the benefits of owning a pet.

if-you-sprinkle-when-you-tinkle-please-be-neat-and-wipe-the

Rule #7: Wipe the Seat

If you pee on the seat, wipe it off. People will be more likely not to pee on the seat if it is already clean because then it is safe to sit on. Plus, it’s gross if you don’t, especially if it’s in your own bathroom.

941715_965917511755_1181515892_n

Image courtesy of Leigh Kosloski.

Rule #8: Write Letters

There are only a few things that are more awesome than receiving a letter in someone’s own handwriting. In this age of technology, it’s acceptable to be informal with email and private messaging. Send a letter every once in a while, it will do good for your soul and brighten someone’s day. You also get to exercise your handwriting skills. When is that last time you wrote in script? Do you even know how to anymore? Why don’t you give it a try and send someone a damn snail mail!

baby-crying_2442222b

Rule #9: Cry

It’s okay to cry. It’s actually healthy. A Sad movie or YouTube video can trigger the waterworks, so let it. Don’t hold it in. It will make your brain happy.

810940143beer

Rule #10: Drink Beer

This is another one of those rules that I have no problem imbibing by (did you see my attempt at a very clever pun?). Beer has nutritional value, and, if indulged in moderation, will have excellent effects to your health and overall mood. Don’t believe me? Check it HERE.

pigpen-web

Rule #11: Bathe Daily

Unless you are camping out in the woods, this should be followed religiously. Do I need to say more?

how-to-talk-to-strangers

Rule #12: Talk to Strangers

Saying Good Morning to a stranger is not only going to make you feel good, but may change the course of someone else’s day.

s-WHITE-RABBIT-large

Rule #13: Be on Time

If you know me at all then you know that this rule is a constant struggle for me. In recent history I have greatly improved my statistics for being on time, which means showing up exactly at 9:05 am for work, or catching the train or bus needed to get to my hosts in other counties / states at the exact time they expect my arrival. Being on time is important. It shows that you are reliable and diligent.And get a Mickey Mouse watch, because they are awesome.

tumblr_mssavoWBaC1sf2amvo1_500

Rule #14: Be Fearless

Coach Butler, my High School varsity basketball coach would always tell me “Have ice in your veins.” What a pep talk! I would get back out on the court with the strength and honor of a thousand buffalo. Yay!

Have you ever wondered what is there really to be afraid of? I try to consider my biggest fear to be myself. I really don’t have any idea what we, as humans, are capable of. Fearing the unknown is a trait that has been learned. I once read an article about a woman who has no amygdala (read HERE), which makes her immune to fear. If only we could learn to control the fear “juice” and extend ourselves beyond the unknown, then we would be limitless, and truly fearless. For now I will just settle for my recently improved fear of Spiders. In reality, they aren’t so bad.

try

 Rule #15: Try

Another one of my High School mentors was my Chorus teacher, Mr. Roberts. He once gave a short lecture on the word TRY and related it to music as well as life. If you don’t make an effort, then your heart is not really in whatever it is you are doing. If you are passionate about what you are doing, then why not exhaust yourself doing it?

stand_up-337x266

Rule #16: Stick up for Yourself

This one might be an obvious one, but for me it is certainly a struggle. I am a huge fan of passive aggression and try to avoid confrontation at all costs. I am, however, working on toughening up my skin and have learned that I don’t have to take shit from anybody. In fact, I am learning to give shit back.

sondage

Rule #17: Be Happy in Your Work

You will spend most of your life working. Sometimes all you work for is for a paycheck. Sadly, when most of your life is spent simply earning a check, your life will not be a happy one. A paycheck does not determine happiness. Happiness begets happiness.

helping_others-lifting-up

Rule #18: Help Others

Holding a door for your neighbor who is carrying a shit load of groceries or helping a stranger with a baby stroller climb the stairs will restore a sense of goodness in humanity as well as make both you and that other person a little more grateful for being alive. Have you ever fed the homeless? Or even played basketball with a friends kid? Helping others is another way to help yourself. We should all learn to do it naturally.

mom

Rule #20: Call your Mom

Moms worry and they want to hear from you. And when you actually go and see your mom, bring her flowers. She has most certainly earned them.

10109_trippy_rainbow_swirl_dnt_stare_too_long_youll_get_a_headache

Rule #21: Don’t Stare

If you are going to stare, then make it a point not to get caught.

stop-watching

Rule #22: Watch Less TV

There is a real world out there. I will never understand how people spend their time watching someone else’s life on a reality TV show. Don’t you have your own life to live? TV should be treated like beer: Indulge in moderation.

fashion-landfills-1

Rule #23: Don’t be Wasteful

Your old food can go a long way. Share with nature. Start a mulch pile. Make a bird feeder. Plant a flower garden. There are many ways to “feed the ducks” and it starts with you being environmentally responsible.

I know lots of people who grew up on farms and taught me so many things that have changed my perspective on being (even just a little bit) green: Toss your old coffee grinds and egg shells in an outside planter, use Tupperware and wash your zip-lock bags for re-use, pack recyclables in separate bags so building management can sort them more efficiently (or the can collectors don’t tear through the bags in haste), use canvas shopping bags and any plastic bags are used for garbage liners or art projects. It’s not that hard to change these habits. Be aware of nature and don’t take it for granted.

images-27

Rule #24: Love

If you truly love, let it be frivolous. Everyone needs love, and if you give love, it will most certainly be returned to you.

I love you. ❤

Break-The-Rules

Rule #25: Break the Rules

I know, I know. This is a list of rules to follow and the last rule is to break the rules. Obviously some rules are meant to be broken.  And when you do break a rule, there is some sense of independence and defiance that is completely satisfying. You should always question any rule and play the devil’s advocate, even if you are not the devil. Always question everything. There is no reason anyone should ever tell you how to live your life.

My personal take on rules to live by is one of poetic and philosophical gesture. I can sum it up by telling you that you don’t need a book or religion to tell you what to do. You tell yourself what to do as you are your own maker. There are no actual “Rules to Live By” and while some people believe that certain rules are written in stone (literally, just google “Moses”), there is no such thing. Your set of rules will differ from everyone else’s, but as long as you live a good life (or at least give it your best effort), you will be golden.

Standard
Change, Journal, Life, Uncategorized

The Bitch is Back

Hi Everyone. I’m back.

I am sorry it has taken me years to get back to you. I recenlty logged back into my wordpress and discovered 29 drafts from the past 5 years. Titles include:

The Noise Hole
Monsters
I am a City
The Banana Incident
My First Period
We are all Slaves
20 Women
Meet My Mom

There must be over 20,000 words already written. I am making it my goal to finish a few of these gems (once I figure out where the hell I was going with some of them) and give you some new things as well.

As a general update, here is what I have been doing for the past few years:

I turned 34, 35, then (shocker) 36 years old. I have eaten close to 1,000 bagels and probably double that in pizza slices and tortilla chips. Two of my cherished kitties have passed away and another one is very close to the end. There are two new men in my life, one is my little tuxedo kitty named Carlos and the other is a man I’d LOVE to see in a tuxedo, Gonzalo. My new apartment is a part of my old loft from years ago and is filling itself with new memories and new artwork. I have lost some friends, which was a short series of bad, sad breakups, and have made new relationships with better people. I am fat and happy.

Oh – and I got bangs!

30743808_10155316315052401_2768869942903177216_n

I have been working for an Interior Designer for the past 2.5 years and absolutely love it. As per my typical places of employment, it’s high end and pretentious and I class it down just a little bit with bubbly jokes and crude sweetness. I finally make what I deserve and I work with an incredible group of talented and wonderful people.

In 2017, I made a resolution to donate once a month to a different charity. In 2018, I began doing these donation on Facebook as a monthly fundraiser. I cannot begin to tell you how rewarding this resolution has been for me. In my spare time, I run the South Bronx Yard Exchange Flea Market with Gonzalo and my neighbor and friend, Ebonie Simone, who creates incredible pieces of jewelry and art. This Saturday, July 14th,  the Flea Market will be holding a clothing drive for The Bottomless Closet NYC, which coincides with July’s Fundraiser for the same group.

As you can tell, I am still a little shameless.

I am glad to be back. I know that picking up the pen or clacking free-thoughtfully into the keyboard is going to be good for me and, hopefully, you, too.

Until next time, here’s a picture of Carlos the Cat. You can follow him on instagram @monsterkittycarlos.

36388670_10155467445837401_6617431304663203840_n

 

Standard
Adventure, Employment, farts, Humor, Life, POOP, Uncategorized

It’s OK to Poop at Work

The other day my feet got wet on the way to work. I had these cheap little Payless shoes on, so, naturally, my feet started to smell. They smelled so badly that I could smell them through a stuffy nose. I ran to the closest shoe store on my lunch break (which just happened to be Payless) and bought some shoes. Now, when I say “some shoes” I mean 4 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of slipper socks and $2 bracelet donation for Breast Cancer awareness. When I spoke to Captain Clam, I only told him how much money I saved. Oops! Of course, I was happy to have had the stinky feet debacle of 2013 while Payless was having a BOGO sale, so the $60 spent was not too shabby for all those things (except now my feet are starting to stink again on their own accord (damn plastic shoes!!)).

130469_4_490x490

These are them.

As I was leaving the store, I saw this awesome Diner right next door. I am almost positive that the universe would have ended if I did not have a grilled cheese immediately. About an hour or so later, the belly rumbles started. There was simply too much stuff in my belly. The inevitable was about to happen: The Work Poop.

l

It moves your bowels.

Oh Man. We have all been there. I previously worked at places that had private bathrooms, where the bathroom was just a small room with a sink and a toilet (and one time, strangely enough, a full bathtub and shower). My new work facilities are three stalls, two poorly working sinks, and a hand blower that produces hurricane force winds.  Sadly, no one actually uses the hand dryer, they use toilet paper, which sometimes (very rarely) leaves the bathroom without any TP under the sink (a catastrophe in wait, if you ask me).

toilet paper

The smallest stall is for women who are under 4 feet tall. It hurts to use. This stall is usually void of any TP as it the closest to the sink and completely uninhabitable by most of us. Of course, you can make yourself fit with minimal effort, but it’s a little claustrophobic and extremely dark. The door, however is always closed. And since no one uses it, it has become the best pooping stall in the ladies bathroom. The only drawback is the toilet paper issue.

I generally don’t like to poop in public, but will definitely do it and shine as I recount the tale of my bathroom adventure. According to my cousin, Girl Ryan, there is a phobia known as PIP, which is the phobia of Pooping in Public. She has written extensively on her blog HERE about the fear and overcoming it. I have read her post a million times and was shocked to learn that I had been doing some of the things that ALL women do.

bridesmaids-poop-in-street-scene

Pooping in public can sometimes feel like this classic scene from “Bridesmaids.”

For instance, I really thought I was the only lady to flush the toilet if I had to poop and someone was in the restroom with me during extreme emergency. I do that at work sometimes if I think someone will come in while the deed is being done. If someone walks in just as the deed is about to be done, I get stage fright and the deed gets pinched. If someone does come in before it happens, I seriously pussy out and leave. No guts, No glory, right?

k-bigpic

Where the magic happens.

When I started dreaming up this post and writing it in my head (where it sounded hilarious and witty), I reached out to That Girl Ryan to ask for a link and her blessing (after all she did write her poop post first). Of course she obliged because we are all interested in getting the message out there, and told me that she has a new poop post in the works. I am so excited for it and hope that this poop post inspires her to get that shit together (so many puns, so little time).

When I was a teen, I worked at the Pancake Cottage in my town (Riverhead, Long Island (the greatest shit hole on earth)). I was lucky enough to work with one of my best friends. We had nicknames that we would call each other (she still calls me Goober to this day). Well, I was really good at making Milkshakes. Whenever anyone ordered a Shake, I was the go-to girl. One (or both) of us  dreamed up the perfect concoction: The Coffee Milkshake, which is self- explanatory (mind you this was the 90’s and frappaccinos had not yet taken off in our small town). I proceeded to make the most deliciously bad ass Coffee Milkshake ever. After exactly 20 minutes and 36 seconds, my dear Ferox and I looked at each other and KNEW that the milkshake was a really bad idea and we were about to pay for our milky sins.

Vietnamese-Iced-Coffee-Milkshake-410x273

Instant regret.

I actually had to email her about this story to remember how we handled the Pancake Cottage Coffee Milkshake shit-storm. I needed to know if we both used the bathroom at the same time and flushed the entire time or if we had guarded the door, pretending that it was a single toilet water closet and we were simply waiting in line. Both of these false memories were wrong. According to her memory, we ran the water for each other. How simple (and what great friends we are!)!

I learned a great lesson that day: It’s OK to poop at work.

ku-xlarge

Even today, I walked into the ladies room and someone blew that shit up ( I won’t name any names, but it was a small woman  who looks like she smells like apricots and chap-stick made out of sunshine). The bathroom was a fog of farts and residue. It was hard not to tear up from the burning stench, and even harder not to acknowledge this woman’s feat with a high five. It was simply ignored as if there was no awful odor seeping it’s way into the fibers of my clothing. The worst part about this type of work poo is that it’s not yours, but if timed properly, you can and will be blamed for it.

It happens more frequently than I’d like, but I do go into the restroom (to rest, of course) and someone is in there trying to get their business done. I walk in and I can feel them cringe, knowing that I know that they are trying to do the do (sometimes they are also just on their phones, which makes it hard for me to even go number 1, knowing that the party on the other line might hear my tinkle). It’s at that awkward point where people are clearing their throats or fidgeting with the TP that I just want to say” It’s okay to poop!” I really don’t care. We all poop (I’m pretty sure there’s a children’s book about it).

when+I+poop+at+work_2375f0_4871581

Awkward for everyone involved…

I have no idea why pooping is so taboo. I mean, if we didn’t poop, we’d die a horrible death. I can understand why farting is funny. It’s loud and sometimes comes out unexpectedly (and it can be so foul that you can’t help but laugh at just how disgusting you are), but pooping? It’s like, “Oh no, she’s totally excreting in this room built for excreting. How dare she!”  You may often feel like if you are discovered, you will be forever shamed for the rest of your term of employment as The Pooper. Why does it have to be like that? Whaaa!!!!

Unfortunately, it is like that. Too bad there is not some noise machine in the bathroom that cancels out all noises or keeps noises restrained to the inside of the stall. Or perhaps mandatory fountains in every bathroom that run loudly enough to muffle the sound of splashes, but gentle enough to relax all the right muscles.

moroccan_fountain_deer

Just looking at this makes me have to pee so bad!

Air freshener is always a nice commodity for a good cover up, but it’s a dead give-away. My air freshener trick is to spray in a random corner of the bathroom – just a squirt (after you wash your hands of course), then run like a bat out of hell so the fumes don’t stick to you. I advise using the air freshener every time you go. People will be thrown off and will either think you poop every hour or think nothing of it since the bathroom will always be fresh. Suckers!

No matter what happens… Ignore and Deny! Whether or not you are indeed the Pooper or not, just act normal like nothing is wrong or different in the atmosphere. Ignore it. Don’t mention it. People will notice and might follow suit and get over the fact that bodily functions are not put on hold just because you are at work. If someone is like”Damn, Girl!” Just smile and give ’em a High Five (after hand washing, of course).

THIS is a great read for anyone interested in learning how to poop at work effectively.

Standard
By Definition, FUN!, Life, Uncategorized

Now You Know

I really hate Facebook games, but I have seen this one game going around, and I had no idea how to avoid it. And then it found me because I posted a comment and thought I was being funny… I was not funny, only trapped… so here goes, thanks, Mrs. Diming.

6 ransom facts that you never wanted to know about me.

1. I LOVE basketball. I love to watch it live or on TV (this includes high school teams, the WMBA, Your kids at a Brooklyn bball park, or people messing around on the street with a basketball (and Hoosiers, the best basketball movie ever). I know all of the rules, and am often tempted to steal a ball away from a kid in the streets and then yell at them for not protecting it. I saw a kid with a leather indoor basketball outside the bank the other day and almost lost my mind because he had no idea that it was for indoor use only. What Calamity!

6728_1025440534231_5592629_n

Throwin’ it back…

2. I am afraid of not being able to breathe (this includes choking, drowning, and suffocating). Please don’t ever put me in a headlock or put my head in a small space without being ready for the consequence of my wrath. I will kick and bite and scream until I am released… then I will never forgive you or trust you again.

cant-breathe-need-air

I also LOVE cats!

3. I am afraid of what’s under the water. I had a few incidents when I was younger where I was forced to boogie board at Seaside Heights and was totally wiped out and destroyed by my board and the ocean. Another time I was bit by a crab at Jamesport Beach. I need to see the bottom of any body of water if I am going to go in above my knees. I did go into the Long Island Sound this summer, and faced me fears by going in up to my neck and (gasp) under the water… then saw a school of minnows and was Audi 5000.

397424_10151443947032401_1088257716_n

To jump or not to jump…

4. I look terrible in hats. I look like a little boy who didn’t make the little league team. No matter what hat I wear, I look silly.

16128_10151168328732401_1347432942_n

Hats are not flattering…

5. I am a quiet conspiracy theorist. I don’t think that Elvis is dead, but the real Paul McCartney is. FOX News should be called FAUX News, and no one should ever believe everything (or anything) that they are told.

GreatHoax-1

mockumentary my ass…

6. I will always believe that my dad is the strongest person on this planet.

934_54961842400_7841_n

My dad is awesome!

Well, there you have it. There are lots more things that I could share, but this is what my brain pulled together on short notice. What else would you like to know?

Standard